The Rusty Telephone

Lecturers say the darnest things: EPSY 233

2010-12-11T18:18:00.003+13:00

"Good teaching is good teaching, no matter how old the learners are."

"Treat them like adults, but remember they are not."

"Actually it's better for you as teachers - for your mental health - to notice positive things."

"They go straight from being a baby to being an adult."

"Some of you have heard me talking about this before. I don't mind - I like talking about it."

"Because if you couldn't read, you wouldn't be an adult - because adult knowledge is written down."

"...these teenagers really are something like a plague!"

"Umm teenagers! So you look for your garlic or whatever to keep them away."

"There's no such thing as an average Year 9 kid - they're all completely different."

"...which is good, but it's a real pain to live with."

"Late adolescence is... well, who knows when that happens."

"If you don't know any jokes, buy a joke book. At least the kids will laugh at your bad jokes."

"If the kids bug you, don't let them know they bug you."

"Compared to WW2, it's nothing."
-on children's misbehaviours.

"Chances are, if you want something done, you get kids to do it. They'll do it properly."

"Because, very often, we don't treat kids very well."

"You see Super-Nanny and you see programmes about training dogs - there are a lot of correlations between them."

"I'm gonna get you, and I'm gonna fix you!"

"So we had a long talk about how, uh, to show affection in more appropriate ways."

"In fact, it's just about impossible to just hold the ball and not bounce it."

"Schools only work if the children allow them to be. Fortunately, kids haven't figured that out."

"...or is it you? Are you the problem? Maybe you are."

"It's the easiest thing in the world - giving up, eh?"

"And kids sometimes just do stupid, dumb things."

"He didn't have to call out to get my attention - he was gonna get it!"

"The trouble about that is that it says being in your class us a punishment."

"So it's good to know I'm not talking completely to myself."

"If what you do doesn't match your beliefs, you're probably gonna feel dislocated."

"I think the world has got enough cynical people."

"...people who believe, people who hope, people who have ideals."

"Train yourself to notice."

"I'd hate to be a student teacher. Cause here's the thing -
you go to somebody else's space and you have to fit in whether or not you agree."

"If kids don't have clear expectations, they look for the boundaries."

"You got a question? Just stretching? Please feel free."

"But we don't know achievement unless we know failure."

"That's the good news. There is other news - I'll tell you bout it in a minute."

"Textbooks that relate to curriculum - there's a unique idea."

"I'd rather the activity was useful, rather than just well-timed."

"Before we get lost in mathematical concepts I know nothing about..."

"I thought, 'Orbitals? Orbitals? Orbitals?', and I was going around in circles."

"Helping students to make their own sense. Not sense - their OWN sense."

"If I thought, 'God, this is getting tedious', I start to count the words."

"Even a very stupid marker will be able to read that one."

"Range means more that one. And valid means... not invalid."

"I would love to live in a country where all ethnic groups have the same life expectations."

"If we're doing it only because we have to do it, maybe you shouldn't do it at all."

"I think most of us think it's not genetics anyway. Apparently, somebody's just proved it."

"Not that Europeans ever saw any Mongol people."

"These people are perfectly capable functioning as human beings if they're allowed to."

"I told you it was an amazing story."

"There's something weird about our system."

"Except for last weekend, when my roses looked like they're gonna... die."

"Well, maturity - most of us never get there, but you know..."

"So, it's not compulsory to have a crisis."

"And you don't help people manage their time by telling them the time all the time."

"If you haven't got 'teacher's ears', then develop them."

Lecturer: Have you heard of SLE?
Student: Second language education?
Lecturer: Summer learning effect.

"I can't remember why I started talking about this."

Key to Success: Mat Jenin-ism?

2010-12-08T17:19:00.004+13:00

"A Stanford University researcher took the three top basketball teams and asked them to throw basketballs from the free throw line. On average, players scored 8 out of 10 successful baskets.

The teams then had a different task for the duration of the study. Team one were asked to go to the courts each day and practice throwing balls into the hoop from the free throw line. Team two were told not to go to the courts and not to practice. Team three's requirement for the study was to go to the courts each day and sit on the benches and visualise throwing the balls into the hoop.

At the end of the study, when players were asked to shoot 10 baskets, team one averaged 8 out of 10, team two averaged 8 out of 10 and team three scored 10 out of 10. Why? One reason is that each time they practised they were successful. That is, every time they visualised practising they got the ball in. A 100% success rate."

(From Boyes, Karen 2001. Creating an Effective Learning Environment. Upper Hutt: Spectrum Education. P.109)

Really?

Lecturers say the darnest things: ENGL 307

2010-11-03T23:33:00.004+13:00

"But of course it is - history is made every moment."

"Bla bla... Learning Objectives... we have to put those in."

"We got Jessicas aplenty!"

"Oh God! I thought that was a pillow right there for a moment."

"They didn't go much for suspense in the retelling of classics."

"Just don't get lost - the Web is an easy place to get lost in."

"Troy would not have looked anything like that, I promise you."

"'Cause that's what men do when they fall in love, innit?
Write poems and sing songs."

"Why do people fall in love in spring?"

"I'd like to kick against alphabetical niceties."

"Not really useful? Just designed to embarrass you?"

"How many of you wander into a prince's chamber?"

"Although... no, no, we won't go there."

"We could rewrite the whole thing... with emoticons!"

"Troilus needs all the support he can get."

"I mean, when Zeus desires a woman, there's not much you can do about it."

"Some people argue there are three to four endings -
Chaucer doesn't know how to stop."

"He's wrong? Chaucer?"

"Sorry, Il Filostrato is a bunch of Facebook status."

"There's nothing with 'modern'."

"Can't pretend to be Australian?"

"I mean, post-modernist people think they invented intertextuality."

"Which I suppose is true, even in Scots."

"God, I thought you were insulting me for a moment!"
-on thinking that a student called him 'post-modern'.

"There is no word in English that rhymes with 'orange'."

"Well, the leniation is pretty arbitrary - let's put it that way."

"That pretty much spoils everything."

"Directors cannot deal with ambiguities! Completely terrified!"

"You like your men sexually ambiguous?"

An existential question

2010-10-17T21:37:00.003+13:00

I was watching a vet show on TV, where wildlife vets try their utmost to save (mostly) sick/unfortunate animals. On today's show there was this sea snake that was washed ashore and a fruit bat caught in a barbed fence. (There was also a much-loved, obese pet crocodile, but we won't go into that.)

Anyway, obviously these animals were in pain and under stress. Obviously they did not understand what's happening to them, other than to rely on that age-old instinct of self-preservation. And the vets tried to be as gentle as they possibly could, and murmured little reassurances to the animals, hoping to calm them down, hoping to somehow convey to the animals that, hey, we're here to help.

Let's just suppose, for one second, that there are other beings out there (i.e. aliens). And let's just suppose, for one second, that you are seriously injured and hurt, and one of them found you. After an initial struggle, as far as your injury allowed you to, you start to think that maybe, just maybe, the aliens do not wish to harm you and instead mean to help you. Just suppose.

Would you let them? Would you believe them? And let's just suppose they do something to you that is the alien equivalent of the human x-ray or the human injection of antibiotics - would you believe they were for your own good, and that, really, actually, the aliens have done nothing to you but help your body get better? And then when you grew stronger and they released you back to your natural habitat (i.e. Earth), would you have been set free or would you be a captive of your own mistrust and paranoia? And in the future, if you were to encounter a similar creature, would you consider them friends?

If you haven't heard for a while, maybe they're not OK

2010-05-03T20:20:00.003+12:00

Baru sedar ledisordre dah tutup blog dia (since feed kata takde update, aku pun tak check lah).

ledisordre, aku harap kamu ok.
Di mana pun kamu, apa pun kamu buat, aku harap kamu happy dan sihat.

An afterthought

2010-04-23T12:43:00.004+12:00

So that's what we've been reduced into:

"Hi, there is room on the bus for this trip and you are invited."

I already agreed so I won't take back my word or anything. But yeah - third year kinda sucks.

Terrifying dependence

2010-04-22T18:37:00.004+12:00

I was in the middle of a tutorial when the whole of Wellington experienced a massive black out. Needless to say the tutorial was totally disrupted - with our tutor losing his access to online tutorial material and hence his flow. We patched things up, of course, but all in all, it was less than perfect. Then we could not get out of certain doors because they were automatically locked down. And the ATM was out. I wanted an ice-cream, but obviously EFTPOS was out of the question. My friends said - imagine if you were typing your assignment, and it all went kaput. And it was due in 20 minutes.

I told my friends - this is very exciting. Of course they disagreed. Perhaps rightly so.

As I was nearing my house, a thought hit me - I can't cook. My cook top is electrically powered. The microwave will not function. No boiling hot water either. And worse of all, food may start to rot in the freezer.

Now this is not exciting. I've cooked for tonight, thank God, but what if the power didn't come back up even tomorrow? Or the day after?

More than that, actually, I was terrified because power cuts never happened in Wellington before. I mean, not to me. So, it was not just the question of what you can't do without power. This went deeper - this was about my sense of security. I mean, for example, we take for granted that power cuts never happened here so we remove our notebook batteries to preserve their lifespan. But what if you were writing your assignment just now? Wouldn't you have cursed yourself for having removed that darned piece?

Incoherent thoughts

2010-04-14T23:26:00.003+12:00

I reopened this blog thinking I could just pick up where I left off. Turns out, it is not so easy as that. In the first place, I'm so rusty from not reading and writing for so long that I cannot compose my thoughts in an orderly fashion. I have grown used to thinking so many things simultaneously. You get away with them if they're just swimming in your head - if you're gonna put them down, you risk being incoherent. And that is probably the biggest no-no of any discourse.

For another, I have changed. I do not know how, I do not know how much - simply that I am no longer the same person I was. The old me would just blunder through - now I do not even want to make an effort. I am awkward.

I wonder if anyone has read Lisa Jewell's A Friend of the Family (or something to that effect)? This book tells of a young man who, after dumping his fiancee, puts his life on hold for three years. He went to Australia, did backpacking and a few odd jobs to support his lifestyle, and then came home to London expecting to find everything exactly where he left them three years ago. Of course, many things happened in between, and he was unable to come to terms with how much things have changed.

A lot have happened lately. Too much, but not nearly enough.
And I am confused with everything.

My courses for one. I used to like my English and Linguistics paper and hate my teaching papers passionately. Now I simply don't feel too passionately about any of them. I trod to class, and I listen, and I come back home. When I have to, I do the assignments. And then that's that.

I think, with ENGL 330, I'm suffering from inferiority complex. Yes. Hmm. In order to get into a 300 level ENGL paper, you need 2 200 level ENGL papers. I only happen to have one - ENGL 244 (which I absolutely loved). Somehow, I managed to get the uni to allow me to skip a 200 level paper. Which may account for the times when I sit in the class understanding nothing.

Yes, I'm suffering with the paper - and I so hate to admit it.

Furthermore, coming back to the issue of inferiority complex, yes - the course deals with issues such as racism, patriarchy, slavery, immigration, etc etc. Yes, very complex ones. I think, there is no way to deny that the British Empire was very evil once upon a time. They come to other peoples' place and then impose themselves as masters of those poor peoples. Trouble is, nobody is willing to say that out loud. Achebe is bloody patriarchal, my classmates said, therefore we should forgive Conrad for his Imperial sympathies. What? Are you bloody shitting me? Because Okonkwo beats his wife, by extension Britain is allowed to get away with colonialism? What?

I know I'm mad at them for even suggesting so. I'm also mad at myself because I cannot come back with a convincing argument. I didn't know, when I joined the course, that it would leave me feeling impotent.

The thing is, ENGL has always been my saviour. When everything else looks bleak and unpromising, I still have this little baby to fall back on. I'm not so sure anymore.

Perhaps, the novelty of uni life has finally worn off?

The New Standard

2010-04-11T13:01:00.003+12:00

I wonder how we used to define it before, but lately, relationships seem to be defined by Facebook. Not on, by. I never used to care too much about FB. I used to scoff when Tyra did this show on FB etiquette. Geez. Just be normal guys. Just because it's online doesn't mean you have to be freaky. However, she did cover this one issue about breaking up via FB. What a cowardly thing to do, eh - just remove this significant other's name from your profile, and you're no longer an item.

But why does it even carry any weight, these simple clicks? Why do we pay heed to them? Why do we define our lives by it?

I suppose, it is because in this day and age, Facebooking is the new discourse type. And in any discourse, you have the locutionary act, the illocutionary act, and the perlocutionary act. Locutionary act is simply the thing that you say; illocutionary act is the intended meaning; and perlocutionary act is the effect. Yeah, this is all mostly about the spoken discourse, but you can extend it to cover Facebooking.

Let's say you have a close friend. She is your friend in real life, and also on FB. So your lives are going on as normal, and when you see her you guys hang out and chat and everything. Like normal. Let's say after that you log on to FB to find that you are banned from seeing her profile. You guys are still friends, but you cannot see her status updates, and you can't write on her Wall. Kinda makes you pause for a sec, doesn't it - did I do something wrong?

Let's analyse this for a second -
Locutionary act: Removing your accessibility.
Illocutionary act: "I don't want to share my life with you."
Perlocutionary act: Declaring that you are no longer that important in her life.

Of course, there are multiple possible readings for any one act. For example, the above action may not mean that at all. She may simply be saying, "You did something wrong. Now apologise," or maybe if you haven't been paying her enough attention, "Let's see how long it takes for you to realise something is amiss." Or you know what - and this, too, is a total possibility - maybe she is just a total klutz and didn't even know she'd restricted you.

I know this sounds silly, but there it is. Everything that we do has a meaning. They have echoes of a meaning. I think it's a sorry state of affairs when the virtual world overtakes personal interaction, but there you have it - this is where we are now.

Just for the heck of it

2010-04-11T02:49:00.003+12:00

I was reading my old posts, and I realised - I missed writing. No, not writing per se, the thinking that feeds into the writing.

I was angrier back then, I guess, at a lot of things. At everything. At the whole world.
I'm calmer now, I believe. But I might relapse. Haha.

But then again, anger is good. It makes one think.
Now I'm happy with my life - I take things for granted.

That said, I've no idea what I'll be writing about. We'll see where it goes, aye?

Apologies

2009-10-14T17:21:00.003+13:00

Pardon my silence
(if anyone noticed at all).

I haven't been busy, as the normal excuse is.
I have, but you know - that's not it.

At the mo, I have nothing worthy to say to the world.
So there.
My apologies.

TE2: Day 3

2009-08-27T22:58:00.005+12:00

When I arrived at school this morning, the first thing I noticed was that Lost for Word, the book that Mrs R had been reading to the class, was on my desk. I wondered what it was doing there, but I did not touch it because I thought Mrs R had put it there for some reason. Turned out, Mrs R had meant for me to read it before class started. She's wanted me to take the Teacher Reading period. She thought it'd be helpful if I had a read beforehand.

So after morning tea, Mrs R set the class and helped the children get settled down. Then she informed the children that Ms Johan will be reading to them. They can listen, or they can choose to finish off some work while listening.

Right-o. This is it. More than 2 dozen pairs of eyes set on me. This was going to be my first act as a teacher-presence - the children were more than curious. They were giving me quite an intense scrutiny. Truth be told, I had read the chapter I was going to read like Mrs R said, but I did not give it too much thought. Mrs R had modelled it yesterday, and it looked very easy, like it just flowed. Now as I was taking my seat at the front of the class, all those theories came rushing into my head. Get the learners' attention... Activate their prior learning... In the space of probably one second, I finally completed my subconscious analysis of what Mrs R was actually doing when she was reading. I recalled that yesterday before she started, Mrs R had asked the students if they could remember what happened in the preceding chapter. So I decided to do the same thing.

Now, with Mrs R, because the children were used to her, they listened while they worked. But because I was a novelty, some of them were practically unblinking as the looked at me. So some of them answered my prompts, and they helped me establish the story up to that point. Then I started reading. And read and read. When Mrs R had done it, she had paused at strategic moments and invited the students to predict what would happen, so I thought I'd give that a try. But what a disaster that turned out to be. I had no idea how to lead students to the answer that I sought, and so none of their predictions turned out to be very accurate. And so I read on.

Then we came across a character that the author was describing. It was obvious that the author did not favour this character. He was "pale" and it was as if "he was hiding in a corner", to cite just a couple of examples. I remember that the children were doing a unit on narrative writing, and among their foci were setting and, wait for it, characterisation. I thought this was an excellent opportunity to hammer in how important these little aspects are to a narrative. So I tried to coax them into making the link between how he is described, to how the other characters reacted to him based on the descriptions, to how that makes the reader feel. It was even more disastrous that my last attempt. The character was portrayed as being pathetic and wimpy; the children said Aysha (the main character) is probably afraid of him - by virtue of him being her teacher. By the end of the chapter, when I asked the children what would they have done had they been in Aysha's shoes, all I got were cricket tunes. Mrs R took pity on me and continued my train of questioning - but obviously she was way more successful at leading the children to the right answers.

Before I left, she told that I was pretty good for a first try, and I could see it in her eyes that there was genuine pleasure. She said it was good that I asked questions and made them think about the story so far, that I did something to catch their attention. The truth was, well, it was totally her. I was doing it exactly as I saw her doing it, only, you know, in my less-than-perfect way. But nontheless, that genuine pleasure on a teacher's face - that was priceless. She might not fully realise it, but she made my day.

TE2: Day 2

2009-08-25T23:20:00.003+12:00

Assessment:

For some subjects, AT conducts weekly tests. AT then had the students chart their performance at back of book. Through this way:

AT does not have to spend time analysing students' performance since the students have done that;
students are made aware of their current level, their progress, and what they should be working towards;
students' motivation is maintained as they can feel a sense of purpose and achievement in their work;
parents are also indirectly informed of their children's performance at school.

Students are asked to write in a journal every few weeks or so (usually at the end of units and end of terms) as part of their own reflective practice. Students are to write about:

highlights (or low points) of their term;
short and long term goals;
ways of achieving that goals;
their progress through the creative writing unit that they've been doing this term (they are asked to reflectively compare their starting and their current levels).

AT starts a new unit with diagnostic testing. Students are asked to answer 3 questions pertaining to what, when, why in their book after jotting down their WALTs. AT stresses that it is okay to not know the answers since that was the point of learning.

Modelling book:

Huge books allocated to each subject. Teachers are supposed to replace using the board with using the modelling books. The rationale was that once the board was rubbed, the students would have no reference point. By using the modelling books, the class is left with class notes that students can refer back to if they needed to. When teaching writing or vocabulary etc., modelling book is also perfect for collecting students' brainstorming ideas that can be shared with all.

TE2: Day 1

2009-08-24T23:46:00.014+12:00

They say it's important to make a good first impression - I do not know if arriving 1 hour early achieves that. And anyway, I was so nerve-wrecked I didn't have the manners to introduce myself to the principal even after he'd introduced himself. Note to self: Work on confidence. It was only I who let myself be daunted. I must not do it again.

AT (Associate Teacher) did class role. Was a routine with the class. The kids had it all figured out. AT will say, "Good morning, ," and student would reply, "Good morning Mrs R. My weekend sports update was..." because that was the topic AT had chosen. AT had made it clear before calling out the names what she expected of the students: This routine helps to:

consolidate rapport as AT is allowed snippets into the children's lives
ease the students into school mode after the weekend. This is evident as before she did the role call, AT had to wait for students to settle down (by pausing and saying, "Waiting..." in a semi-imperious tone).

AT had her relief day today, so after roll call, she was replaced by Ms D. Ms D had wrongly assumed I was a new entrant (possibly an illiterate migrant). After the mix-up at the beginning, I thought it was best if I kept out of Ms D's way. So I sat there in my corner quietly. Unfortunately, I'd become used to 50-minute lectures and gaps. Having to sit in the classroom felt endless, like an eternity. And Ms D had less success at controlling the kids than Mrs R, and they began to talk among themselves, laugh, made funny faces, told jokes and even throw stuff around and pretty soon their ceaseless girlish chatter and giggles began to pound into the back of my head like a huge, incessant hammer. I wish the day was over - at half past 9, it had hardly begun.

Obviously because Ms D was a relief teacher (RT) she had nothing established with the kids, and understandably her classroom management was less impressive than the AT. In saying that, I don't mean that I would've been any better, but I was there to observe and to make notes of what I should and should not do. And what Ms D could have done better were perhaps:

Give clear instructions and ask students to repeat that in Kidspeak.
Give a time limit to each task. Ms D allowed them all the time in the world - and so while they were not off-task, they were really taking their own sweet time.
In trying to establish norms and expectation, use positive, inclusive statements. Instead of, e.g., "In my class, I do not like a lot of noise so keep the noise level down," try "In our classroom, we try to keep the noise level down so that everyone can work comfortably."
Be firm. Do not make empty threats. The kids literally shrugged them off.

Anyway, after tea-break, Mrs R saw a use for me - to mark the children's work from the morning. Mrs R saw that it was a good opportunity to show me the practical side of all those lectures on formative feedback (i.e. you must give feedback; word it positively with suggestions for improvements; and students should be required to do something with the feedback). Here are a few things I learned about feedback:

It's really hard to give feedback. AT says it helps if you know the learners because you would be able to see their improvements.
Pick a scope and stick with it. You can't correct spelling, grammar, sentence structure, etc. etc. all in one go - the book would be so full of red it would just demotivate students. It's really tempting to try and correct everything.
Research says that extrinsic motivation may kill intrinsic motivation, but AT says the students like it. AT puts little stickers in the girls' books, and they ask for the stickers if they were missing.

Aku mahu persetankan semua

2009-08-13T08:08:00.004+12:00

Aku mahu bersantai
dalam buaian di celah-celah pohon nyiur.
Bayu laut, sayup-sayup masinnya, mengusap tualang imaginasi.
Dan deru ombak perlahan-lahan
melenakan aku.

Dalam dunia yang tanpa waktu
konsep seperti subuh dan senja tidak wujud.
Tika mana aku tidur, itulah malamku.
Pabila aku terjaga, itulah siang
yang semuanya untuk dibazirkan.

Sungguh aku mahu
persetankan realiti.
Persetankan janji-janji yang dibuat mereka-mereka itu
atas namaku.
Persetankan.
Biar tinggal hanya aku dan langit dan pasir.

Didn't I tell you you're supposed to be doing your assignment?

2009-08-03T13:56:00.003+12:00

What a small world

2009-07-30T13:08:00.005+12:00

This trimester I'm taking a paper called Children's Literature. Fun paper. Right now we are reading C. S. Lewis's The Narnia Chronicles. And I was just sitting there in the lecture thinking, why, it's fantasy, much like Edding's and Tolkien's works, although the latter two's books are not meant for children. And then suddenly the lecturer said Tolkien's name.

Turns out Tolkien and Lewis were buddies. Hey, what about that, eh? Apparently, they were part of this literary group called The Inkling, and they would meet on Tuesdays over coffee ("...and beer, no doubt," said my tutor) to discuss their work. Quite a few big literary names were part of this group (and if I had paid more attention I could probably name them). And so I was thinking, wow, what a small world we live in. All these brilliant heads actually knew each other and influenced each others' works.

Then one day the lecturer mentioned Elizabeth Anscombe. You see, Lewis was a devout Christian convert (he was an atheist earlier in life - and apparently Tolkien was absolutely instrumental in his conversion). He was president of the Socratic Club, and this club used to invite scholars to their meetings to discuss and debate issues on/about/around/regarding Christianity. Lewis was quite good at what he did, week after week defeating people of the opposition with his eloquence and sheer conviction. Until Elizabeth Anscombe.

Elizabeth Anscombe - from Wiki

Elizabeth was a young non-Christian (I can't actually remember if she was an atheist) and an up-and-coming scholar during Lewis's time. As such, she was invited to this meeting. In this particular meeting, Lewis attempted to prove that Christianity (or maybe religion?) was logical, and guess what, Elizabeth technically shredded him to pieces. Apparently, it wasn't just a defeat - it was a most humiliating defeat.

Anyhow, all was not lost. Apparently, lucky for us Elizabeth won that debate: it is said that this episode really humbled him and made him rethink his conviction. He accepted that you can't explain Christianity through logic, and so he turned to fantasy. Hence the Narnia Chronicles. Although he denied writing the Narnia books with any Christian motivation, so to speak, many Lewis/Narnia scholars like to believe that at least subconsciously that was the driving force.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was this: funny how small the world is. I was just researching stuff for my Linguistics assignment, and there she was again. Elizabeth Anscombe. Apparently her logic was so logical that Searle (only the grandfather of speech act theory) does not think any other example would explain "the direction of fit between word and world" quite so logically. I was so amused I just totally stopped doing my assignment in order to blog. And now I'm mentioning Elizabeth Anscombe - am I making the world smaller still?

Don't mind me - I'm just being emotional at the mo

2009-07-20T19:22:00.004+12:00

I have often thought about this. I have often sat and pondered, for a long while, what it is I should do. And I haven't come up with many answers. Any of the suggestions I came up with have always been met with many a shortcomings. All of these shortcomings stem from one thing: the fact that I hate having to interact with other humans.

No, I do not hate human interactions. I only hate them when they do not go my way.

In any type of interaction at all, we'd have giving and taking. In talking to a person, I offer to that person an interaction with me: it depends on that person whether or not to accept the gift I have offered. And while, most of the time, I am perfectly sincere and do not wish for anything in return, I would be very happy if that person returned my favour in kind. That is, I wish that person would give me an interaction, one which I would accept.

That would be a best-case scenario, when all is nice and well. But what happens when I want something from somebody, but that somebody is not voluntarily offering it to me? I'd have to ask. Now, that is actually the heart of the issue at hand. I absolutely, most definitely hate asking somebody for something. I do not know if I've explained this to you before, but I have this ginormous ego that makes me feel small and inadequate every time I ask something from anyone. And when they say no, the humiliation and frustration are almost too much to handle. Thus, having to ask for something, is a hateful thing for me.

Now, sometimes if you ask for something nicely, they'd give you whatever it is that you wanted. But what happens if they didn't? It's a dreadful thing to even think of - but some people would beg.

Worse than that, some people actually expect you to beg them.

Now, there are people in this world who never give anything and just take and take and take. These people, if you did not yield those things that they wanted, would wrench the thing from your very grasp, would steal away the thing, would do anything at all except ask and beg, and yet in the end it would be theirs, whatever it was that they wanted. I think robbers, tyrants and murderers would belong to this group, don't you think?

And yet, as bad as they sound, sometimes I wish I could just be like them. To be free to take anything you like without having to ask, without worrying of the consequences - why, that must be a content sort of existence. None of these politics of interaction. None of having to pretend to be nice to people to get what you want. None of having to stand people who pretend to be nice to you just because you have something that they want.

I know I'm not the nicest, most pleasant lass - if anything, in fact, I'm a horrible person - but as horrible as I am I've had it with being civil with people. I wish I could just make people do what I want - and that's that, end of story.

School's out... and so is the sun!

2009-06-06T00:42:00.015+12:00

Nothing beats Wellington on a bright, sunny day.

How DO you teach grammar?

2009-05-19T16:01:00.003+12:00

Lock-step is when your teacher teaches, and you listen. The whole chalk and board thing, that's lock-step. It's called such because like a marching squad, we expect uniformity, with the teacher as the squad leader shouting orders, and the students as those who are expected to move as a body, together, with no room for individual creativity or the likes.

And in the professional and academic view of teaching these days, lock-step is a total no-no.

And I'd agree. Of course I would. When from my own experience, the lock-step method of drilling grammar into my head did not really help me learn grammar. Most of the time, I'd be so confused by the rules my teacher had outlined that I would have no idea what to do with them. Now, in class, we are told about extensive reading, and how students would learn tremendously from extensive reading activities.

Extensive reading is, perhaps, exactly how I learned English and grammar. Extensive reading is when you read an authentic material (i.e. written for the native speakers) without any aim except to understand what it means, and to enjoy it. Reading, not to advance your language skills, but for the sheer pleasure of it. Which is what I did, after years of prodding from my mother, and really good influence of my friends.

Among the first few books I read.

Lock-step is a total no-no. But does that mean my teachers have wasted their time and effort in teaching me grammar, if you say that the lock-step is a total no-no?

Somehow, despite my misgivings of the lock-step method, I would not totally dismiss it. I think that if my teachers had not drilled the grammar into my head, I would have no basis whatsoever to enable me to read those books that I read. However little, those teachers and their lock-step method contributed towards my understanding of, and the ability to use, grammar.

I am really in a limbo now. For my micro-teaching report, I am to submit a lesson plan for a whole unit, even though I only trialled a small part of it. For my micro-teaching session, I did a post-task activity: by this I mean I have taught grammar (relative and superlative terms) in a previous class, and now the students are doing MFI/MFO (meaning focus input/out) activities which allow them to practise using the two types of words, and to develop fluency. All very fine there. But now I have to submit the whole lesson plan, and I have no idea how I taught them that. I didn't ask my lecturer directly, but I got the feeling that if I said I used the lock-step method to drill them with the grammar before moving on to using student-centered approaches in my teaching, I would get a bad grade. And I hate bad grades.

I'm also thinking about the future. I think my grammar's quite okay now. Even if haven't nailed each and every one of them, my grammar's functional. I'm able to communicate without too much misunderstanding, and without embarrassing myself too much. I'm quite happy where I am.

But I'm worried about my future students. What would I do with them? When I think about all these wonderful new pedagogic researches and findings, I'm excited. I'm excited because, back when I was a student, I wouldn't even dream of having such things happening in my classrooms. Now I'm supposed to do it with my students.

Or am I?

With the Malaysian education system still geared towards, and therefore restricted by, the exam-oriented curriculum, how am I supposed to not teach things the lock-step way? How am I supposed to allow my students to embark on a journey of discovery by themselves? How am I supposed to tell them to read for pleasure when they're burdened by impending tests? How am I supposed to tell them, stop studying and just read a novel for the heck of it, when the upcoming national exam might just decide the course of their life, for the rest of their lives? How am I supposed to?

God is the greatest linguist

2009-05-16T14:56:00.011+12:00

When you were small and were learning to read the al-Quran, did you hate lessons on tajwid? Did you think, oh, why can't I just say each letter exactly as each letter should sound? Why must there be ghunnah (dengung/nasalisation) in some cases and not in others? Why are there just so many rules?

I found the answer. Tajwid did not come around because we were supposed to make certain sounds - tajwid is around because it was inevitable that we were going to make those sounds. Tajwid is just a way to explain why we made those sounds. Did you know every language has its own tajwid, even English?

Not quite following what I just said? Try this. Try saying ‘and this’. You will find that instead of saying /end ðɪs/, you will actually say /en̪d̪ ðɪs/. The small markings underneath [n] and [d] means that they are dental sounds rather than alveolar, as [n] and [d] originally are. (Try making /n/ and /d/ sounds. Your tongue should touch your alveolar ridge, that small ‘bump’ just behind your teeth but before your palate. In the diagram below, the alveolar ridge is labelled 4). My lecturers for LING 211 explain that this is because our tongue anticipates the next sound that it is making, and gears itself towards it. So, in preparation for /ð/, [d] is dentalised (i.e. your tongue touched your teeth instead of the alveolar ridge). And in preparation of that /d/, [n] is dentalised too!

Diagram from Wikipedia

When we read the al-Quran, for example, when [ن] meets [ت], we call that situation ikhfak haqiqi, right? And we are ‘required’ to nasalise it just a little bit. But that’s just how we were taught. In reality, [ت] is not /t/ but is /t̪/. Therefore, when [ن] meets [ت], it is extremely hard to make the sound without the nasalisation. I guess we were ‘required’ to make the nasalisation because we are not native Arabic speakers. Had we been, we would have been making those sounds without being told to.

Yes, this is only one example. And in any case, my linguistic knowledge is nowhere nearly enough to qualify me to discuss this in more detail. But I believe that I'm now seeing tajwid not as a burdensome practice - it is just logical. So the next time you read the al-Quran and are about to curse the tajwid system for making it all so complicated, think again. God does not make anything in vain.

Kumahu ke pulau!

2009-05-14T00:05:00.004+12:00

Entahlah gambar ni ambil kat mana, tapi aku rindu betul Malaysia dan kehangatannya!

Random: A few things I've learnt about life

2009-05-12T19:03:00.002+12:00

I can't stop reading FMyLife.com (thanks RW for the link) (although I'm unsure if this was a good thing). If you guys have the time to check it out, I suggest you don't. Because it's so the stuff of everyday life, the basis for a romcom, and it's so addictive. But here's a few things I've learnt anyway:

1) Rude strangers usually have a reason to be, so don't judge them too harshly. (E.g. the guy who cuts the line to get a drink is actually trying to save his choking daughther.)

2) That slutty/ugly/fat/obnoxious man/woman is always his/her father/mother/member of the family.

3) People always do "intelligent" stuff, like getting a fake tan, one day before a job interview.

4) If you use porn stars as your screensaver, they will always pop up during the most important presentation of your career.

5) Your boss usually needs your help in firing yourself (e.g. he doesn't know how to write the paycheck).

6) Never blame the dog if you farted.

7) All sorts of things can fall out of open windows - laptops, rabbits.

8) Trying to impress that guy/girl you like will most probably, inevitably bring about the opposite results.

9) Babysitting is a hard job.

10) If people acted like they didn't remember your birthday - it's because they don't.

11) Best intentions can lead to the worst experiences ever.

12) Cops are always smarter that you, if you are actually a good samaritan trying to prove otherwise.

13) That person you're so into - they're usually gay/lesbian.

14) Irony is not Shakespearean - it's everyday life.

15) Those stuff you saw on films and think "no way something like that could ever happen in real life" - well, they do.

Assignments...

2009-05-05T22:07:00.003+12:00

... adalah rencah hidup yang menjadikan segala-galanya lebih indah dan bermakna, kecuali dia.

Free-IQTest.net - Free IQ Test

Time ada assignment tulah baru nak sibuk baca blog orang la, buat kuiz tah hapa-hapa kat internet la, masak la, tidur la, segala-gala la...

Bored on a Friday night?

2009-05-01T23:56:00.001+12:00

http://failblog.org

see more pwn and owned pictures

Demi Masa

2009-04-04T20:50:00.004+13:00

Akhirnya aku dah faham bahawa, buat macam manapun, di mana pun dia, berapa tinggi pun education dia, orang Malaysia memang tak pandai tepati masa.

Jadi haruskah aku habiskan masa berjam-jam menunggu, atau haruskah aku sedar asal usulku dan jadilah seperti orang Malaysia yang lain?

p/s - Aku sedar ini very broad generalisation. Kepada orang Malaysia yang punctual, aku minta maaf.

To my adik

2009-03-12T22:54:00.004+13:00

Tahniah.
Aku bangga. Ada juga sikit dengki.

This is wonderful news. Your world should seem like an endless possibility, no?

Choose wisely.
Seumur hidup engkau nanti bertitik di sini.

Decisions are simply risks you have to take, and consequences you have to live with.

p/s - Ya, aku sayang kat hang.

Denial?

2009-03-09T02:40:00.004+13:00

So, in theory...

It's not the drugs

It's how we're doing it

...?

Thin Lizzy + TV informercials = Gullible me

2009-02-28T01:40:00.005+13:00

It's quite funny being back in Wellington again. Especially when I see the first year students. It's almost as if they walk around constantly gaping at things, willing to believe anything anybody told them. I don't want to believe that only last year, at around this time, I was one of them. Then I saw the Thin Lizzy 6 in 1 Professional Powder ad on TV, and I remember, yes, I was.

See, Thin Lizzy is this magic make-up thingee that is supposed to be everything all in one. Like, if you had it, then you would need nothing more. Maybe it's true - I wouldn't know. I'm not saying that's untrue. I'm not saying that believing that makes a person gullible. But what does make a person (i.e. myself) gullible is if you fell for the lines, "Call now and we'll throw in this, and that, and that as well, all for this minimum price. Offer is for a limited time only, so call now."

One year ago, when I've only just arrived, I fell for that. I mean, come on, 6 in 1 - how wonderful is that? And for like, what, less than $50? And for a limited time, too. All in all it was worth $280, and they're selling it for less than a quarter of it. I was practically jumping out of my seat to go call them. I only stopped when I reminded myself that I wear no make-up at all.

Actually, how long is "limited time"? Because today I saw the ad on TV, the very same ad, and I wondered how I could have been that gullible. And by God, am I glad I didn't call them last year!

Bagaimana menentukan kebenaran sesebuah lagenda?

2009-02-12T20:02:00.004+13:00

Poster diambil dari Wikipedia

Tiba-tiba adikku bising dengan tak percaya bahawa Puteri Gunung Ledang telah tercalon untuk Academy Awards for Best Foreign Film tahun 2005. Kami memang ada CD filem terbabit dan memutuskan untuk tonton sekali lagi atas sebab tak berapa boleh terima hal yang tersebut itu.

Tapi setelah menonton filem itu, yang kami debatkan bukanlah sama ada filem itu layak atau tidak untuk mendapat anugerah (biarlah orang lain yang lebih ada kredibiliti menentukannya) sebaliknya sama ada Hang Tuah benar-benar wujud atau tidak.

Aku kata pada adik, "Ada. Sebab ada kubur dia di Melaka."

Dia tak puas hati dan pergi tanya pada mak. Mak kata, "Mestilah ada. Sebab semua orang kata ada."

Masih tak puas hati, maka diapun pergilah tanya dengan juri terkahir iaitu bapa. "Ada. Kalau tak, kenapa ada Perigi Hang Tuah?"

Hubung kait electronic sweeper dan rambut saya

2009-01-30T17:06:00.003+13:00

Dekat dining area rumah kami ada sebiji TV. Di hadapan TV itu pula ada sekeping permaidani. Setelah selesai breakfast dengan murtabak, sayapun terus bergolek-golek di atas permaidani itu sambil tengok TV seperti yang saya selalu lakukan hari-hari.

Tiba-tiba mak saya datang dan kata, "Tepilah. Mak nak sweeper ni."

Mak saya menggunakan electronic sweeper untuk menyapu rumah sebab ada masa dulu dia sakit sendi. Electronic sweeper ni lebih kurang macam vacuum cleaner la, tapi kurang powerful. So tak berapa penatlah kalau guna sweeper ni. Kalau anda tak tahu rupa dia macam mana, inilah rupa dia.

Okey. Setelah mak saya cakap macam tu, saya buat mengada-ngada dan terus bergolek-golek di atas permaidani itu. Saya kata kat dia, "Tak payahlah sweeper hari ni semalam dah vacuum."

Tiba-tiba, entah macam mana mak saya sweeper terus tersedut rambut saya masuk ke dalam sweeper tersebut. Ya, for a few moments, memang rambut saya terhubung kait, literally, dengan sweeper durjana itu.

Cess. Nasib baik tak botak.

Moral of the story: Silalah ikut je cakap mak anda. Tak payahlah nak buat mengada-ada.

FILM 231 - ENGL 208

2009-01-27T21:45:00.004+13:00

I think I might somehow convince my Programme Director to sign me on to FILM 231, despite the fact that that means I would be taking 4 courses in one trimester.

Then I realised that if he signed the approval, I won't have enough time for Zohor prayer on Tuesdays before the daylight saving started/ended (whicever it is).

Ah. Irony.

Good ol' Shakespeare - I guess it's you and me again.

I've read Julius Caesar, Antony and Cleopatra, Measure for Measure and Romeo and Juliet. My would-be lecturer told me in an e-mail that we will read Richard III, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Hamlet, Measure for Measure (again) and probably A Winter's Tale.

Oooh what fun!

Or maybe I should just cave in to peer pressure and take EDUC 228...

~After years of expensive education
A car full of books - and anticipation
I'm an expert on Shakespeare and that's a hell of a lot
But the world don't need scholars as much as I thought...~
(From Jamie Cullum's Twentysomething)

I'd like to think I was cruel because I was kind

2009-01-13T06:35:00.004+13:00

I was on my way back home. It was about 3 p.m., and the sun shone unforgivingly. I turned into the main road of my housing estate and saw this girl walking. She was carrying a small bag and had her baju kurung on. I knew she was on her way to mengaji.

I have to pass the mengaji centre in order to get to my house anyway. And the day was soooo hot. There wouldn't be anything wrong in offering her a ride, would there?

What if because I offered her a ride today she thinks it's okay to accept rides from strangers? What if the next time, it was a paedophile who stopped?

I didn't offer her the ride. I wish I could have.

Laporan Istimewa: Keli

2008-12-04T05:27:00.005+13:00

Soalan: Di manakah ayah anda membela ikan keli?

Jawapan: Dalam kolam depan rumah.

Soalan: Mengapakah ayah anda membela ikan keli?

Jawapan: Kerana ikan kap dia selalu mati. Dan ikan keli sedap dimakan.

Soalan: Di manakah ikan keli sekarang?

Jawapan: Dalam perut.

=)

Summer Vacation 2

2008-11-26T17:47:00.003+13:00

Just as I was feeling the blues because the monsoon season has started here in Kuantan and I am longing for a holiday, this came into my inbox. It's just a dream come true! Sign me up, boys :P

Assalaamu Alaikum

Picture this… Just as you feel the climaxing resonance of Christmas jingles all around you and you feel your head is going to explode with all the stories and images of Santa you escape for three days into the New Zealand bush with over a hundred other Muslim brothers from around the country...

Wellington Muslim Youth are proud to present with the support of
FIANZ, IMAN and MMA
the first ever
Lower North Island Muslim boys camp
20 – 22 DECEMBER, 2008

The camp will be located at Brookfield Scout camp in Wainuimata just 45 mins out of Wellington . The camp venue offers a huge space and a number of activities including abseiling, obstacle course, swimming and much more! The theme of the camp is “Muslim identity in New Zealand ”. During the camp there will be a series of classes and workshops running alongside the activities that will explore this idea of identity and what it means to be a Kiwi Muslim. This will be 3 intense and rewarding days for all that attend and a great opportunity to reconnect with your Muslim identity and to establish positive relationships with other Muslim youth.

The camp is targeted at male Muslim youth aged 16 – 25 who live in the lower North Island and are residents of New Zealand . Applications from Muslim youth living in other parts of the country or from non residents are welcome but as there are limited spaces available priority will be given to the target group.

Muslim Youth Camp
Discovering your identity in New Zealand

When: Dec 20 -22, 2008
Who: For boys 16 – 25 years old
Cost: $60 includes accommodation for 2 nights, food, activities and return transport from Kilbirnie mosque (financial assistance available please enquire)

To register: Registration forms can be downloaded at www.muslimyouth.org.nz or can be picked up from the Mosque. Fill out your registration and return it to us no later than 30 November 2008. Your enrolment will be confirmed by 2nd December 2008 including instructions for payment. Payment in full must be received by 5 December 2008.

For more information: go to www.muslimyouth.org.nz or contact Br. Hamza Thomson 021 510 412 or Br. Ben Gresham 021 269 1695

Reconnect with your Deen!
Come join us for 3 of the most intense days of your life!
SPREAD THE WORD

As I said, sign me up, boys!

The cat and I

2008-11-26T07:08:00.000+13:00

I must've been silly, my darling
to think you'd
leave the cat for me.

Summer nights

2008-11-26T02:37:00.005+13:00

Lover,
that summer night when we sang
I died with your every refrain.

Summer Vacation

2008-11-25T05:22:00.004+13:00

Let's go to the beach -
just us girls.
We can lie there all day
or we can go swimming.
We'll flirt shamelessly
and let them buy us those
little umbrella drinks.

I'm home. Finally.

2008-11-21T06:49:00.002+13:00

I'm home. Finally. After about a month I left Wellington, I'm finally home.

It's not like I hadn't made it home physically. I have been in Malaysia for almost a full month now. But I wasn't mentally and emotionally home. Not yet. I was missing Wellington too much. It hurt too bad. I'm better now.

It's not like I've totally forgotten about Wellington. But just maybe. It used to be so warm when I first arrived. Now you switch on the aircon and I'll reach for the blanket in just a minute. I'm happy with the food. I'm not fretting that I haven't gone grocery shopping. I'm not awake at 7 anymore, for goodness's sake. When I first got back, by Maghrib I was already sleepy and I couldn't go back to sleep after Subuh because it was already 12. In NZ time. Talk about jet lag. Maybe that's what was bugging me.

I know I said, before, I wanted to go back to Wellington right away. It's really kinda hard for me to believe that I was actually homesick for Wellington. Now I don't want to leave.

And already a month's gone by...

(Ya, aku sudah berhenti berfikir. Sekarang aku hanya tidur, makan, tengok TV, baca novel... semua yang bahagia-bahagia sahaja. Aku sedang cuti. Seronok betul cuti berfikir. Aku cuma berfikir 'bila aku nak fikir sahaja. Macam, sambil baca novel sambil analyse, if I felt like it. Itu saja. Akhbar? Seksyen kartun dan sudoku sahaja. Maybe sports. Nak makan roti naan cicah teh tarik lalala~)

Historical Romances

2008-11-21T06:19:00.003+13:00

I had just finished reading a most wonderful historical fiction called The Winter Rose by Jennifer Donnelly. I was so taken to it that I decided to browse the library catalogue for more "historical romances". Take a look at a few of these titles I came across. I concede that I've not read these books - and they may be absolutely brilliant for all I know - it's just that I thought these titles are absolutely scandalous!

Her Secret Fantasy
A Dangerous Man
The Passionate Miss Prudence
A Seduction in Scarlet
In the Bed of a Duke (my absolute favourite!)
Lessons in Seduction
Lord Deverill's Secret (I wonder what it is)
The Magnificent Rogue (goodness me)
Ravished
The Other Woman
Petticoat Rebellion (sounds quite feminist, no?)
Season of Sins
Midnight Honor
Lord Fox's Pleasure (wth?!)
A Love Forbidden
When the Lights Come On Again (hahahahahaha)
The Dreadful Debutante
Another Man's Child

Bosanlah

2008-11-05T15:25:00.002+13:00

Malas betul. Aku bukan balik untuk ini.

Aku macam nak balik NZ sekarang juga.

2 weeks in Malaysia

2008-11-04T18:38:00.001+13:00

i'm thinking, i skrg mcm dh xhidup. because i'm not thinking. i ssh betul la. kalau tak skolah je my brain mcm shut off terus. i have these issues that i want to talk about, discuss about, but i just couldn't be bothered to. and also, i think i skrg sgt sombong and i don't like it, but i dont know how to overcome it. i rs msia panas sgt, i tamau keluar. i cant help comparing, and i hate that i favour nz over msia. i mean, i know nz seems way fine because it's almost a vacation, everthing's new and unfamiliar, but despite that i still think it's better. the weather, the buildings, the people. can u believe i rasa jakun tgk org semua kulit sama ngan i, rambut hitam? i rasa, couldn't u guys dress better, y do u drag slippers yg mcm dh nk terkoyak, i rs kita macam miskin sgt. kenapa kita mesti hisap rokok sambil jln2 n then buang sampah rata2. kenapa anak2 kita semua berpeluh dan asyik nk mengamuk. kenapa kat nz tak macam tu. i ni mcm kacang lupakan kulit. knapa internet kat msia slow sgt.

i know y i think this way. actually sbb msia is my home, jd i'm critical. i want msia to be like nz, and in fact way better, and when i was there i thought i could change msia, i could make a difference. but here it's different. bila dah balik, dah rasa balik bahang msia tu, i feel so helpless, so powerless. i lose my sense of agency. bila mengenangkan lg the political and economic situation kat msia ni lg i hilang harapan. i hilang percaya dgn semua pemimpin tak kira la kerajaan ke pembangkang ke. asal nama pemimpin semua sama. semua kira diri sendiri je, tak kira langsung kita rakyat. my mom kata harga minyak dah turun tp harga makanan tak turun blk. i tanya dia, takde org bising ke? dia kata bising pun nak buat mcm mana, kerajaan lemah sgt apa pon takleh buat. kalau sampai tu that extent... and then my mom kata tgklah kuantan ni, apa pun tak ada. bangunan semua yg lama2 aja. kalau ada bangunan baru pon, the people from the old buildings pindah pegi bangunan baru and whole blocks are abandoned macam tu je. last2 buruk aje kuantan ni. dlm hati i, biar i je jd mb pahang ni, tgk apa i akn buat. then kasi i jd pm and we'll see. tp right after that thought, i mesti fikir - msia ni has too many problems i wouldn't know where to start. kalau i nk betulkan something, some other issues mesti bersangkut-paut punya. n i kena tackle that issue dulu before i can address the original isu yg i nk tangani. and of course that issue berkait dgn issue lain lg. u get what i mean?

i went way off course. all i'm trying to say is i know why i feel this way. because despite of everything, i sayang msia. that's why i'm critical, and that's why i'm thinking, and that's why i feel helpless. i mean, nz can't be that great, can it? it's just that because it's not mine, and although i like it a lot, i don't love it, and so i welcome all the good points and block out all those unpleasant things about it.

sorry if this has been haphazardly haywire. and sorry for the mix of languages (including txt) and bad grammar etc because this was written on the fly. i just need to let out that i'm feeling helpless, and i need time to calm down and reconcile the fact that i love msia so much i hate it.

Nak buat juga tapi tak sangka...

2008-10-24T01:19:00.008+13:00

Aku tengok ramai orang buat kuiz ni jadi aku nak buat juga. Tak sangka ni aku rupanya:

Your results:
You are Hulk

You are a wanderer with amazing strength.

Hahaha. Iya ke tak sangka?

Announcing

2008-10-23T22:22:00.004+13:00

My new personal best: 4 countries in 1 day!

Subuh: Wellington, NZ
Zuhur/Asar: Sydney, Australia
Maghrib/Isyak: Singapore (in theory. Actually I prayed after dah sampai Johor.)
Sleep: Johore Bahru, Malaysia

So for those who don't already know, I'm back in Malaysia.

Haha, apa la Jo ni kan? Baru pergi about 8 months dah nak balik, kan kan kan? Actually I'd agree with anyone who said that. Walaupun I rindu sangat Malaysia ni, tapi bila dah balik nothing much has changed. And then I realised I tak boleh nak kata, "Eh dah lain dah kat sini," or "Amboi dah maju dah kawasan ni," because it's only been 8 months - with Malaysian bureaucracy and political climate, that's really not much time at all. I mean, a woman who conceived when I left would still be pregnant. Haiya.

Well, apapun, I'm back till the end of February. And if anyone needed to contact me or anything, I'm still using the old 013 number okay.

I'm gonna go and makan keropok lekor now. Haha yang ni susah nak dapat kat Wellington =)

Where is the line?

2008-10-18T20:02:00.001+13:00

If I didn’t like something, and I feel I can’t accept it and so I keep yearning and fighting for something better, what am I?

Am I just not giving up, or am I unthankful?

Addicted

2008-10-13T14:18:00.005+13:00

Tolonglah. Aku dah semakin miskin dan GEMUK sebab tak boleh berhenti makan Pods with Twix (ye, ye, di samping menghadiri kebanyakan rumah terbuka di Wellington dan Auckland sekaligus). Pelikkan? Sebenarnya aku coklat langsung tak suka, tapi boleh pula ter-addicted dengan Pods. Sekarang ni lapar pun tak mahu nasi nak Pods je.

Dengar kata Malaysia tak ada Pods. Macam mana nak survive for 4 months ni?

Ada tak rehab centres for Pods addiction? I will be your first patient.

Soalan

2008-10-10T14:26:00.003+13:00

Aku pernah cakap, "Cekodok aku hitam macam keling," dan aku telah mendapat jelingan maut sebab aku aku bersifat racist.

Tapi aku nak tanya, kalau la aku cakap, "Cekodok aku putih macam mat salleh," instead of ayat tadi, adakah aku akan dikata racist jugak?

p/s-Aku minta maaf kalau ada orang yang tersinggung. Bukan niat aku nak offend sesiapa.

The lousy teacher

2008-10-05T00:47:00.003+13:00

I had a lazy student. Real lazy. He promised me his homework will be done tomorrow, each and every single day. At first I was really impressed, and he really lived up to my expectation. But it did not last very long. After just a few lessons he began slacking off. At first he just kinda slowed down, then gradually he started giving excuses, then he gradually just stopped doing anything, as long as he was sure he could get away with it.

And I? I was just totally frustrated to see his true self. At first I chided him for acting the way he was, and then I felt like nothing I did was going to change him. That's just the way he was. And so he's got a label from me - lazy. He was lazy. He never completed his homework. He never volunteered to do any extra-curricular activities. In short, he was lazy - and I could definitely do without him.

But of course that was wishful thinking. He was in my class, at least for the next 1 year. I'm stuck with him. And I could not just ignore him because he was present, even though he was doing nothing. After a while, I got so frustrated I began to think bad of him. At anything. At everything. If there was anything that should be done at all, I just gave it to my other students - because he would simply give me excuses, anger me, and waste so much of my valuable time.

Actually, if he's not affecting me I wouldn't care as much. I realise I'm not being very professional, and I don't like it. I hate it that anything that has to do with him provokes my anger: I killed his jokes because I always feel like snapping when I was around him - and most of the times I actually snapped. Sometimes even when he hadn't done anything wrong.

Ain't I a lousy teacher? I have labelled my student without actually giving him a chance to prove who he really was. And perhaps worse, now that he'd acquired that label, I did not even attempt to help him, to guide him from where he was to where he's supposed to be. I didn't even consider the ecological/multi-dimensional approach that I was supposed to use to analyse the reason he was the way he was. I just simply assumed that he was lazy. And I left it at that.

I think it's futile to deny that the boy was lazy. But actually that's not what I'm mad about. Lazy people I could probably still tolerate; with him, it was because he wasn't simply lazy but that he was irresponsible. If you promised me your homework, then I expected your homework. There's no dillydallying about it. Especially when it's a group task. I really felt sorry when I assign group tasks to my class because I knew his group would be at a disadvantage because of the way he was. At this moment I'm helping his group by giving them extra help - I mean, that's not my job, but I hope I'm sincere in helping - but how long can I go on this way before I was accused of favoritism? And in any case, this is not the best way for those other kids to learn. I deny not that this experience has enriched me as a person, but as a teacher, my job is ensure he gets experience also.

I do not want to give the boy another chance. I'm just so tired, angry and disillusioned. All those sweet promises of the homework getting down, only to be greeted by, "But my dog ate it." But I should. I should. Give the boy a chance. He's only as lazy as you think he is - so if you think he was hardworking then he is. Or he will be, according to the theory of self-fulfilling prophesy. And in any case, maybe he was not lazy but instead he just really had problems that prevented him from getting his job done. Isn't that my job, as a teacher, to identify what the problem really was, find the source of it, and cure it?

I wish I was a miracle worker.

The smart dumb blonde

2008-09-28T12:52:00.008+13:00

In researching for your assignments, sometimes it's funny/amazing what you unintentionally dig up.

Marilyn Monroe once had a nude picture of hers (taken way before she became a movie star) featured in Playboy magazine. In fact, it was in the very first issue of the magazine. Such scandal was, then, unheard of even in Hollywood. Of course she was attacked by all, reporters especially. One reporter even asked her what she had on during the photo shoot.

Her answer? "I had the radio on."

Dyer (1986) calls this a 'classic dumb-blonde one-liner' (cited in Turner, 1999, p.125). In fact, Turner (1999) goes on to say that:

"Even the apparent dumbness of the 'dumb blonde' was a sign of the natural; if she was 'untouched by the rationality of the world', she was also untouched by its corruption" (p.127).

Well, when I first read the article, up to the point where she was being asked what she was wearing, I thought, there was no way she could answer that. I almost choked when I read her reply, because it was just so smart and so biting. I would never be able to have a come-back half as powerful and funny as that.

I almost tore the book when I got to the part of the 'classic dumb-blonde one-liner' because I didn't think that was dumb at all. In fact, I am of the opinion that the reporter was the dumb one, because it was so obvious she was wearing nothing. And the fact that she said she had the radio on, plausibly honest, and definitely gramatically correct, is so enjoyable to read. I mean I was never a big fan of Marilyn, but you go girl! Who's dumb now, you dumb reporter?

But of course this world is ran by white males, right? That's why her answer was taken to be out of stupidy rather than from a savvy woman who knew what was at stake had she answered differently. Turner (1999) suggests that Marilyn's enduring power as a star comes from the link between 'sexuality and innocence' (p.127), that in Marilyn, it is okay for her as a woman to wield such sexuality and sex appeal because they are out of her control. And that makes her so much more appealing to men.

Well, dear Mr. Turner, I think it is because she was rational and very much aware of the corruption of the world that she was able to survive, this long, as Hollywood's most enduring popular icon. She has, using the guise rather than being a genuine dumb blonde, manipulated you white males into allowing her to get away with things other people wouldn't get away with. And I guess if that was dumb, then you're all dumber.

Reference

Turner, G. (1999). Film as Social Practice (3rd ed.). London: Routledge.

Just a different kind of jungle

2008-09-19T14:12:00.003+12:00

I think the world of academia is just a different kind of jungle. Here, the currency is not money, and sometimes it is hard work, but always, the currency is always original thoughts and ideas. And, true to the law of the jungle - survival of the fittest - only the fittest is allowed to have original ideas. And of course, an undergrad is a far cry from being the fittest. Even if those ideas originated from inside your head, you'll always gonna have to credit it to somebody else, because it is "inevitable" that in this aeon-year-old world, somebody else has had that idea before. So there is no such thing as "original" in this world of academia. And so, because I'm not allowed to be original, I can only depend on the second-class currency - hard work. This, despite its claim of being an eye-opener, as a nurturer of young minds towards its real potential.

I used to think that the world of academia is where you can be free of the constrains of the world, where you are allowed to be you, to express the things you really believed in. I have found that the principle of life in the world of academia to be contradictory with my expectations. Like any other world, the world of academia is where you can write, quite convincingly, about things you do not believe in - just because you need that A. Here is where you can argue, quite convincingly, against things you are passionate about - because that's gonna get you next year's funding. And here is where you can bluff, quite convincingly, for a whole book or even books, about things you do not even wish to care about - just because you are expected to to publish stuff in order to be considered an academia. And, it's not only that you can - the issue is that you have to, and that you must.

It is just another kind of jungle, complete with its own set of rules and laws, and you're either in or you're out. As always with any social group, rules are created to mark the "us" and the "outsiders". And as much as I hate the rules, I have to adhere to it because I need to be part of this world. Because I'm stuck in the jungle. And so I find myself, grumbling and all, going to the classes that I have no interest in, because I have to; writing those essays on arguments I do not believe in, because I have to; and in short, just doing anything that they told me to, because I have to. In times like this, I can't help but think of an old saying (between the girls and I) that the best policy is to "shut up and follow." I thought I'd be free of that when I get into university - instead, I think it's tightened its grip on me. They do not want originality, they do not want passion - what I think they want of me is conformity. But like I said at the very beginning, it's just a different kind of jungle. Some people love it, some people hate it - others, well... others just need to survive.

Of course, just like in any other type of jungle, you'll come across real gems. And in the world of academia, sometimes you'll cross path with people who have willingly dedicated decades of their lives researching things that they are really interested in, things that they really find intriguing. And in the world of academia, this might even be the prevalent case, I wouldn't really know. But I just can't help but think that those few who are able to do that are the few lucky ones, the elite ones, of the world of academia. I wanna be one of them, but how do I? Maybe I have to have enough hard work as my currency before I will be allowed to trade original thoughts and ideas? And how many years would that take? 5? 10? Till the day I die?

Let's call a spade a spade

2008-09-18T01:59:00.002+12:00

In my FILM101 class, we're talking about ideology now. And I will always just sit there and be dumbfounded. Because I really do not know how to respond, and I'm just so confused.

Consider this: In the lecture the other day, the lecturer asked us to name female action stars. Right, so the action genre is definitely male-dominated, right? That was why it was important for us to examine the females that manage to break through this domination.

One name that was mentioned was Linda Hamilton. From Terminator 2. Of course. She's totally muscular, dresses in the military style with her cargo pants and simple singlet. She handles guns like they were toys she grew up playing with. In short, she was very male. But what does she do in the whole film? Exactly - she is protecting John Connor, her son. So, despite her male-ness, Linda is still a mother. And that's another was of looking at things - Linda is only allowed to be equal with men as long as she does not forget her place in the society, that in the end, the woman, however manly she may be, is still a mother. And since John Connor is the hope for the future, by extension, Sarah Connor (Linda's character) becomes the mother of mankind. And the only woman allowed such a privilege, such a great duty, must, in the end, resemble a man.

Muscular Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2.

So, the ideology here is that in order to penetrate the male-dominated world, you have to yourself be like a man. A woman will never be accepted in a world of man. To be treated as an equal, you have to be the same. Aye? I personally do not see it as equal. How do you say it is "equality" when you take 2 different things and treat them the same? Cars should be driven, and planes flown. It's really quite futile to prove a car can fly, and vice versa, right? But of course since this is an analogy, the question that will inevitably, sooner or later, be raised is whether the male should be the car, or should the female?

But anyway, Linda can't be the only female action star ever. There's also Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider. Yes. While Linda was criticised for being very male, Angelina was deemed as being sexualised, because, as the lecturer put it, she was very "ample". Yes, I agree she was rather voluptuous, and she wore revealing shorts and all, but if you shouldn't be Linda and you shouldn't be Angelina, then who could you be?

Sexy Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

I mean there's no way out, eh? If you're a woman, then the ideology is always gonna be against you. Is that it?

Well, when I shouted out Michelle Yeoh, the lecturer could not exactly place Michelle in any category. She's demure and graceful, but she's also a warrior, a match for any man, in, let's say, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. You know what the lecturer said in response? Well, Michelle's not exactly what the Western audience is used to.

Michelle Yeoh as seen in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

Yeah, so you're preaching about ideology and all. But your own yardstick is the Western audience. Right.

When it comes to discussing ideology, I think it's a tautology. I mean, this is very basic rantings of my confusion. We haven't even talked about how some people purposefully use ideological frameworks in their movies (Disney is alleged to want to shape the young minds into totalitarian-rule sympathisers) while others unwittingly, not purposefully, and weren't even aware that they're reproducing the ideology that is so deeply ingrained in themselves. And of course when you talk about ideology, there is the question that the public wants that ideology, that's why those movies, swamped as they may be in ideological perversion, sell. So, the question then becomes does the audience want the ideology and that's why the filmmakers plant it in their movies, or has the audience been brainwashed into wanting the ideology by the filmmakers?

Disney's The Lion King has been accused of sympathising with totalitarian rule as the lion king is loved by all his prey-subject.

And the thing with ideology, I think, is that you yourself can choose to read it or not read it. And, perhaps it's more important that what you chose to read can be real or imaginary. I'll bet that just because the world we now live in is post-September 11, if I filmed an unmoving rock in a desert, some people may say that, just because it's in a desert, the rock is a representation of Iraq, how it sits there unmoving, waiting for someone (the US) to come and move it (bring civilisation). On the other hand, my real intention was, hey, I was bored, I had a video camera, I happened to be in a desert, there happened to be a rock and I had nothing better to do.

The Hills Have Eyes - implicitly discussing the war in Iraq?

Like I said at the start of the entry, I'm confused by the whole discussion of ideology. But at this moment I'm thinking maybe ideology is not so bad. I mean, if we really are to escape ideology, then perhaps all movies would be about inanimate objects (that are not in a desert) sitting there doing nothing. Now that would not be too fun, wouldn't it?

I mean, in real life, we embrace an ideology - that's how we give meaning to anything we do at all. It is what we are, and what we believe in. I do not think anyone is able to exist without any ideology whatsoever. I mean, wrong or right (I shan't try to prove one or the other here), if you believed a woman should be in the house and be the slave to her man, then that's what you believe in. At least you believed in something.

MUSC101 next trimester?

2008-09-18T00:07:00.003+12:00

I don't know if you've ever done this - or alternately, if I was the only person who's never done this - but have you ever just listened to songs without paying attention to the words? I tell you, it's a whole different experience, I was experiencing the sublime!

Well, it started this way. For the final assignment of LALS101, we have to listen to a conversation between two Kiwi speakers and just basically transcribe what they were saying, complete with their interruptions, pauses, etc. So to help me do that, I listened to the .wav file using my headphone, as opposed to using the speaker as usual. Because the file was playing on my iTunes, as soon as the conversation ended, Bon Jovi's song Always started playing.

I was just about to flip back to the conversation file when it hit me - the music of Always is so beautiful. I've never noticed it. The piano, especially. It never occurred to me they used piano in that song. And, of course, piano helps to add the sense of suffering that comes across through the song - it might be typical, but hey, it works - and I just realised that all this time, whenever I heard that song and it evokes this lonely sensation of loss in me - it was the piano.

And then, of course, there was the assignment, and there's the so much more appealing choice of listening to other songs to see what I've missed all these years. It's only too easy for you to guess, and for me to decide, what I did. Of course I went through my playlist, playing songs I thought would shock me. Here are some of the songs I noticed:

Fool's Garden - Lemon Tree
If you read about the enigma music, well, these people were geniuses. And the absurdity of the lyrics just serves to heighten the sense of questioning.

The Mamas and the Papas - California Dreamin'
The music does not shock me as much as the realisation that some music and the female chorus are only audible through the left earphone while the male chorus comes through the right earphone. It feels really weird to listen to something on only either ear, and I shared his feeling of detachment. How he was waiting. And at the end the chorus starts being audible through both earphones, oh. Maybe he's getting closer to what he longs for?

Once Dewa - Dealova
I never realised how rich the orchestra that accompanied the song was. It's exquisite. The sense of love and longing is heightened through the use of violin. I can't describe this song - because I'm a layman to music I probably got the instruments wrong anyway. But there's piano, in deliberately distinct key by key, to demonstrate how unattainable she is, and the violin that almost laments his love. I don't know exactly what the drums do, but they work.

Lily Allen - Alfie
Oh goodness. It's a very jolly background music comprising of a marching band stuff to accompany a sad tale of drug addiction and a familial failure. The juxtaposition serves to heighten the sense of dysfunctionality that the characters in the song are experiencing.

Okay. I should probably get back to listening the conversation clip. Funny how that one is sooooooo hard to analyse.

The Coward

2008-09-16T19:45:00.006+12:00

Suddenly I feel like I should have gotten myself a boyfriend in high school. Fool around a little. Just to mess my life up a bit. See where that would've led me. I mean, I'm never gonna be able to repeat my high school experience, right? Suddenly I just wondered if it would be drastically different, or if it would be just about the same. Maybe the way I think will be a bit different now. Maybe I'll be more understanding. Maybe it wouldn't be so black and white.

This scares me a bit. I'm always quite a practical person. And I've since equate a boyfriend with trouble - emotionally and financially. So that's why I've always avoided it (not that it was too hard to avoid). Maybe I should've taken love on. See what it's like. I always cower away from things I don't think I can win. There, I've said it. I'm such a headstrong person I'm a coward. If I can't win, don't do it.

Did I say love? Does a boyfriend mean love? Does it? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe. I don't know. I mean, how should I know? But anyway, I've always wanted to fall in love with my husband, whenever I have one, not a boyfriend.

....Eh, who's to say husbands are no trouble? Hell, they're a whole lot more troublesome than mere boyfriends. I mean, you're stuck with them for life. Gee, Jo, now what? Boyfriends are trouble, husbands are trouble...

Zaty, may I have a few of your cats?

Oi. What am I thinking? I'm not even 20 yet. Must be the tagging that's gotten me to think about this. Or because I'm trying not to do my assignments. But l'amore... ah.

Side effects

2008-09-15T01:06:00.003+12:00

Aku mandatkan keruntuhan
Tembok Berlin
biar jauh dari
radioaksi Chernobyl.

Oh mama, saya mahu kahwin

2008-09-13T12:50:00.004+12:00

Mak, if you're reading this, don't worry, it's just a silly title. I don't mean it, okay?

Ika, I know I said I hate tags. But I have to be honest - I kinda had fun with this one. So here you go.

1.How old are you?
19.

2. Are you single?
Yes.

3. In what age do you think you’ll get married?
About 26-27. I don't know. This is God's business.

4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now?
...

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
I don't have the answer for "who", just a bunch of idealised traits that I'd like one person to have. The person who has those ideal qualities - I wanna marry you.

6. Do you want a garden/beach wedding, or the traditional wedding?
Traditional, but not overly so.

7. Your ideal motif?
Light colours. Cream-ish yellow and green, maybe.

8. Where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?
Wherever. As long as we're together. But let's just imagine we're super rich as hell. Ah. Italy. Not Rome, but somewhere small and quiet and peaceful like Tuscany. And we'll rent our own villa, with a huge vineyard, a swimming pool and just very old trees. Of course the villa comes with an architecture that reflects its age, and it will be rich in history and mystery. We'll have a huge collection of wine in the cellar (of course we won't touch them - but wine is soooooo romantic). It's somewhere near the beach, so we'll be able to walk near the shoreline barefooted, and the small waves will lap into our feet. And we'll laugh and he'll snatch me up when a bigger wave comes and threatens my flowy summer dress. And he'll chase my hat when the sea breeze blows it away. And we'll hire a Vespa and just roam around the small town surrounding it, where old people who've know each other for almost all their lives meet up in the town's market street and gossip and haggle and scare the younger children who are each others' grandchildren. And we'll eat freshly baked pizza, and all the Italian delights that I've only heard about (okay, just assume they're all halal).

9. How many guests do you think you’ll invite?
Just as many as I have to. Mind you, my mom's planning to serve mihun goreng. Hahahaha.

10. Do you want an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding?
Exravagantly simple and simply extravagant. I'll be a regal Cleopatra of the day, and at the same time, the humblest woman who's just realised she's gotten married and that her life is no longer hers alone to control. Oh yeah, I also want to walk with my groom under swords. Yes. And he'll be resplendent in his mess kit. Oh~

11. Do you want the traditional vows or something you’d make up on your own?
Akad nikah.

12. How many layers of cake do you want to have?
No cake? I don't really like cakes. Is it even Malay to have cakes at weddings?

13. Do you prefer having your reception at a hotel or at a simple place?
At home.

14. When do you want to get married, evening or morning?
Almost midday. I'd like to be engaged (bertunang) in the morning, then married off a little later in the evening.

15. You’d rather have your reception outdoors or indoors?
Garden wedding, yay!

16. Would you like a grand entrance for your groom?
No. All lights should be on me. But I guess this is his day, too. So to be fair he can have it if he wants it. I love him so much I'm willing to share the limelight.

18. Name the song/tune you’d like played at your wedding?

Kopratasa - Permata Buat Isteri

Telah kusiapkan satu daerah paling sunyi
Dalam hati ini untuk kau isi sebagai isteri
Untuk kau penuhi dengan kemuliaan seorang wanita
Untuk kau beri erti dengan kelembutan
Untuk kau hargai dengan kasih sayang.

Ku ingin kau jadi wanita mulia
Yang tahu harga budi dan hati
Seorang lelaki bernama suami
Kerana engkau isteri
Ku ingin kau mengerti bahawa hidup ini
Tak semudah yang kita janjikan
Yang kita janjikan
Kerana kau isteriku.

19. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Nocturnal. What's this got to do with this tag?

20. Do you want a solemn ceremony or a light one?
Solemnly light, lighly solemn.

21. What age do you want to get married?
If there's nothing to stop me, 34. But I want kids so biologically I shouldn't be marrying too late - it's unfair for the children.

22. Describe your ideal husband/wife.
Hmm. He must be knowledgeable in religious affairs, and be practising. He should know answers to my questions, you know, because he is my imam, right. He must have a job, an income. After that, he must love me, and his family must accept me too.

Okay, that's the practical part. Now the dreamy part. He should be super-handsome, super-rich, super-romantic but at the same time kinda mean/cruel - like the heroes of romance novels. 6 foot 2, brown hair, cut just so that my fingers can just slid beneath it at his nape; grey eyes that turn into steel if he's angry or mad, but become oh-so-passionate when he's looking at me. Broad shoulder, broad chest, so that his shirt rips into his tapered back when he works or even walks. No, he does not walk - he strides. Oh yeah, he'll have girls chasing him but he'll choose me and love me till the day either he or I die. And even if I died first, then he'll still love me, but I'll be okay if he found another person to love and be married to, provided that new person is loved, and is loving towards, our kids. But of course he's not perfect. He must have some traits that drive me insane, but I'll love him all the same. Like, hmm, like if he likes to disturb me when I'm watching a movie. Or liking to buy me really expensive gifts for which I will chide him but treasure the gifts. Haha. Oh yes, he'll have his own private jet and a small cruiser, on which we'll just bask in the sun and fish on sunny days.

23. Do you prefer fine dining or just the normal spoon & fork/knife?
Just normal dining for picture taking. But save the lauk for me to eat that night, when I can use my hands. And he knows how much I love to eat and he'll enjoy eating with me even though I will be totally disgusting.

24. Champagne or red wine?
Nescafe tarik.

25. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
A few days after. Once everything has settled, and all we have to care about during the honeymoon is each other.

26. Money or household item?
Money, thanks. I'll choose the things I like for myself. I mean, I may not need another microwave, you know, so the money can be put into better use.

27. Who will pay the bills?
Of course he will. I told you he's super rich. Oh did I mention he's from a long line of aristocrats?

28. Are you ready for married life?
Only if my life was a novel/movie will I ever be.

29. Do u think you will still be a virgin until u get married?
InsyaAllah. Yes.

30. Will you always be true to your wife/husband?
Yes. And he'll be true to. Because he's the dream ideal husband.

31. How many kids would you like?
Oh. I'm really at the extremes. Sometimes I want only 3-4. Other times, I've decided I wanted 13, the way my father's family is. But I mean, if we had 13 kids then we would make great use of our huge mansion with 38 bedrooms.

32. A new house for a newly wed or an old one?
A new vacation house somewhere. But our main dwelling will be the huge mansion he's inherited.

33. Will you celebrate silver wedding, gold wedding, or diamond wedding?
Yes, of course. What would people say if we didn't?

34. What kind of cuisine would you like for your wedding?
Hmm. Briyani kambing sounds nice at this moment.

35. Will you record your honeymoon in a CD or DVD?
Yes. We'll do stupid stuff in front of the camera and just saviour it and save it for all our days. I'll record the time when he chases my hat, and the steamy, disgusting loaded with cheese, pizza as it is served for our dinner. And I'll just record the surrounding as we take our walks around the villa, in the vineyard, and the old trees. It'll be perfect ahhh~

Salam Perantauan

2008-09-11T07:25:00.004+12:00

Aku baru je submit e-mail ke Utusan Malaysia Online untuk Salam Perantauan (SP). Kenapa lambat sangat? Haa, tu lah. Masa orang semua busy nak buat SP, aku telah decide bahawa SP ni overrated, cliched and poyo. Jadi aku memutuskan tak payahlah nak sibuk-sibuk hantar SP juga. Tapi, inilah kisahnya macam mana aku hantar juga akhirnya.

Kelmarin dulu (hari ni ada deadline assignment, jadi semalam kena siapkan dulu walaupun motivasi SP ni berlaku pada hari sebelumnya) aku telefon rumah. Bulan puasa ni nak call susah sikit sebab timing selalu clash. By time parents aku habis terawih kat Malaysia, aku dah tidur pula. Jadi semalam aku pakai call je before diorang berbuka, about pukul 5 petang waktu Malaysia.

I don't know about other people's dads, tapi my dad ni tak berapa reti nak bercakap. Kalau cakap dengan dia, sekejap aje dia akan kata, "Okey, kakak cakap dengan mama ye." Tapi semalam sebab aku call out of the blue dia yang angkat. Rasanya lama betul tak dengar suara dia yang spontan je. "Hello?" Aku pun jawab, tapi biasalah lagging kan, dia tak dengar jawapan aku. Kali kedua punya hello garang gila bunyi, macam nak makan orang, before dia sedar aku yang call. Mak aku tidur, jadi dia pun kena la cakap lama sikit dengan aku before dia boleh cakap skrip biasa dia. Tak apalah.

Mak aku pula, tengah groggy-groggy tu tetiba tanya, "Kak, bila gambar kak nak keluar?"

"Gambar apa?"

"Salam Perantauan. Bila gambar kak nak keluar? Hari-hari daddy cari. Habis budak ofis dia semua dia suruh cari."

Aiyo. Kan aku dah berazam tak nak hantar? Tak terfikir pula parents aku akan tunggu. Kalau setakat tunggu tahan lagi, ni siap cari. Tersentuh juga aku. Daddy memang la susah kalau nak tunggu dia cakap, tapi dari actions dia memang aku tau dia sayang. Ampun mak, daddy.

Setelah episod terbabit aku pon decide, screw overrated-ness. Walaupun dah terlambat dan maybe tak sempat atau tak akan terpilih keluar surat khabar, at least I've put in the effort. Dari langsung tak ada usaha, which means zero opportunity of my dad seeing his name in the ucapan... As far as I can think, at this late point this is all I could do.

Mak and daddy, I love you very much.
Ye P-Nut, engkau pun aku sayang juga.

Jo, tahun depan sila hantar SP dan sila hantar awal sikit okey?

* * *

Salam Perantauan versi Jo

Nama Pengirim: Syafiqah Johan
Lokasi Pengirim: Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand
Nama Penerima: Zainal Rahim Darus, Rosnah Salleh, Syafinaz Johan, seluruh keluarga sebelah Kedah dan Pahang, Nur Asiah Abdul Rahman, Munirah Madzlan, Shazwani Mohamad, Masayu Abdullah, Shuhaini, Hadila, guru-guru di SM(A) Tengku Ampuan Fatimah, SM(A) Al-Ihsan, MRSM Kuala Berang dan KMS, kawan-kawan sekalian dan seluruh umat Islam di Malaysia.
Lokasi Penerima: Malaysia, Australia, Russia, Indonesia dan Mesir.
Ucapan: Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir dan Batin dari saya di sini. Semoga sambutan Ramadhan dan Syawal meriah dan penuh kesyukuran di mana jua anda berada. Kepada Mak, Daddy dan adik, salam sayang teristimewa buat kalian.
Pengenalan Gambar: Kelburn Campus, Victoria University of Wellington
E-mel Pengirim: twin_aspirin@yahoo.com

Sampai hati Justin...

2008-09-08T22:02:00.003+12:00

Kalau tidur balik lepas sahur, mesti mimpi pelik-pelik, kan?

Tadi pagi pukul 8 lebih aku tidur balik. Dalam mimpi tu memang pelik gila la. Tapi ada this one part I was forced to sing on stage. Memang matter of life and death la aku menyanyi on stage tu. Then, setelah turun pentas dan mula gerak untuk beredar, ada pula macam meja pendaftaran dan ada la beberapa orang anak muda tengah nak mendaftar masuk Victoria University of Wellington. Aku tengok je la diorang, tetiba one of the guys tegur aku.

"Dude, you messed up real bad on stage just now. Your singing was horrible." Tengok-tengok, rupanya dia Justin Timberlake.

Sure, aku dah lama outgrow the belief that I was a good singer (masa darjah 5 dulu aku memang convinced suara aku sedap, sampai marah kat cikgu muzik 'bila dia tak kasi aku masuk choir), but still... Rasanya banyak-banyak orang, aku tak pernah mimpi Justin. Bulan-bulan puasa macam ni pulalah nak mimpi dia kan. Dahlah kena kutuk pula tu. Hampeh betul.

* * *

Sebenarnya,

Aku patut: buat assignments.

Aku sedang: segalanya. Kecuali assignments.

Resepi kuih sempena Ramadhan

2008-09-07T00:53:00.003+12:00

Hehe. Tadi mak telefon, jadi akupun tanya la kat dia macam mana nak buat kuih-muih. Yelah, 'bila puasa ni, rasa macam nak makan benda manis pula. Dah dapat resepi ni, rasa macam nak share pula, maybe ada manfaat untuk orang lain.

Puding Jagung

Susu cair 1 tin
Jagung krim 1 tin
Tepung kastard 1 cawan
Air 2.5 cawan
Gula pasir 0.5 cawan
Esen vanila sedikit (beberapa titik je ye, jangan banyak)

Campur semua bahan, masak di atas api sampai jadi berkilat. Biarkan sejuk, nanti dia jadi keras macam yang puding sepatutnya. Kalau suka sejuk, bolehlah letak dalam peti ais dulu.

Puding jagung. Sila abaikan comot di tepi tupperware terbabit.

Qasidah a.k.a. Kuih Bawang
(Yang warna putih lemak dan ada bawang goreng di atasnya.)

Bahan A:
Tepung gandum 2 cawan
Gula pasir 3.25 cawan
Susu cair/santan 7.5 cawan (tapi kalau rasa pekat sangat, sila adjust ikut kesesuaian).
Telur 1 biji
Susu pekat manis 4 sudu besar

Bahan B:
Bawang, hiris halus-halus
Minyak sapi/butter 3 sudu besar

Bahan A, campur semua, masak di atas api sampai keras. Masa masak itu, sila kacau sentiasa. Ya, kuih ni memang leceh tapi favourite aku masa kecil. Ketepikan.

Bahan B, panaskan minyak/sapi atau butter dalam kuali, goreng bawang sampai garing, jangan sampai hangit. Setelah kuih tadi set, tuang bawang dengan minyak gorengannya ke atas kuih.

* * *

Oleh sebab rumah aku ni takde oven, aku tanya mak ada tak lagi resepi kuih yang boleh aku buat. Dia kata, bengkang roti kena bakar. Tapi dia ada resepi bengkang roti yang buat guna microwave. Ini resepi mak cik aku, dan mak aku memang tak jamin langsung jadi ke tidak sebab dia tak pernah try sendiri.

Bengkang Roti

Bahan A:
Roti 5 keping, carik-carikkan
Susu cair/santan 3.25 cawan
Air 1.5 cawan

Bahan B:
Telur 1 biji
Gula pasir 4 sudu besar
Butter 1 sudu besar, elok dicairkan

Bahan A, rendam roti dalam bahan-bahan lain sampai betul-betul kembang.

Bahan B, campur semua dan pukul sehingga kembang. Kemudian, campur bahan A dan bahan B dan gaul hingga rata.

Bakar dalam microwave selama 25 minit at 30 power level.

"Umi (gelaran mak cik aku) kau tu memang Minah Microwave. Dia buat Seri Muka pun pakai microwave." Eh, Seri Muka, ah, sedap juga.

Seri Muka

Pulut 250 gram, direndam
Santan...

Tetiba mak aku berhenti. "Ah, ini resepi zaman bila ni?" Dia mumble dekat diri sendiri.

"Kak, ni resepi ni mak tak tahulah. Dia kata santan 3 suku daripada bungkusan 50 sen. Mak tak tahulah 50 sen tu banyak mana, jadi tak payahlah ye resepi ni."

Maka berakhirlah segmen masakan Cik Rosnah.

The McD Irony: NZ

2008-09-06T05:54:00.003+12:00

After the last post, I'm making myself sound stupid by writing this post. But hey, I've made a mistake and I'll own up to it.

Anyway, the comments I've received so far should not be ignored. Actually, they're very, very important.

1) It is pointed out that it is okay for us to consume a product if it said "e471 (soy lecithin)" because this means the emulsifier is derived from soy lecithin. If it said "e471, contains soy lecithin", then maybe it contains derivatives from both animal and from soy lecithin. Maybe. I really don't know. But in cases of shubhah, it should be treated as haram. So unless someone can clarify, really, really clarify this to me, then to me the McD ice-creams are shubhah, therefore haram.

2) Oh, I went and checked the McD's ingredients list, alright, but I checked the one published for Australia. So here's the link for the NZ version.

Now, I'll have to restate the halal-haram state of certain foodstuff I mentioned before based on this knowledge, because it's specifically produced for NZ. And also, please note that I do not know if any other emulsifiers are haram, but I'm confident about e471. So in any case, please just check the ingredients and decide for yourself.

Based on the assumption that e471 - that is not derived from soy lecithin, I mean - is the only non- halal emulsifier McD is using, then NZ's Filet-O-Fish is halal. But the other 2 things I mentioned, Hashbrown and Hotcakes, they both contain e471. But I must stress again that this is based on my assumption that e471 is the only non-halal emulsifier they're using. And I must admit, I can't be bothered to check any more, so I'll just leave eating at McD until I return to Malaysia.

p/s-Since the previous post makes mention of Zaty as the start of all this drama, please check out what she has to say for herself.

The McD Irony

2008-09-05T23:30:00.006+12:00

Logo taken from Wikipedia =)

There was quite a panic among a few of us TESLians after discovering that McD's ice-cream, popular because it's totally, totally cheap at only $0.50, was made out of animal fat. A friend who used to be in the same tutorial with 4 of my friends told them this. So we stopped eating it, although we didn't know exactly what animal it was.

Then one day Zaty went out with her 12-year-old mentee (she's a volunteer worker now, how awesome is that?), and so the boy wanted to grab a bite at McD. That being a beautiful day, Zaty totally forgot about the haram state of the ice-cream (as we believed at that time) and bought it and ate it. Then her mentee gaped at her and gasped, "Zaty, why are you eating pig fat?!"

So turned out the mentee's cousin used to work with McD and knew the ingredients of the ice-cream, and the mentee had in turn learn about the ingredients from his uncle (cousin's father, duh). This was a big responsibility. Muslims are eating this ice-cream and assuming it is halal, so Zaty began spreading the word of this new knowledge. But, I supposed, Zaty's "fault" was that she shouldn't have taken the mentee's word blindly, and that she should have investigated. Point taken. But then again, Zaty did warn us when she began spreading the word that she hadn't check, and that we should check for ourselves, and as you said about parts of a message getting lost, this was the part that was missing in the final message. I suppose you did the right thing - to go and check - and I personally thank you for that.

Anyway. I agree that we should've check the authenticity of the information. So I myself went to check the ingredients of McD's product. I suppose it is safe to say that the ice-creams are halal, because although they contain emulsifier 471, the emulsifier is derived from soy. So that's okay for us.

But then I also checked other supposedly halal stuff. Turns out, Filet-O-Fish is probably haram. Now, I am not sure, I must admit, but for the buns, they use emulsifier 471. But unlike the ice-cream, they did not state if the e471 in the buns was from soy lecithin. So, it has now become shubhah (at least to me), and should be treated as haram, no? I mean the fillet itself is fine, just the buns that come with the fillet. The same case applies to Hash Brown and Hotcakes (from the Breakfast section), among others that I may or may not have missed.

So there you go. A distorted Malay idiom is playing my head right now, and I can't help it: Yang dikejar dah dapat, yang dikendong pula berciciran.

Surau kami besar!

2008-09-04T22:57:00.006+12:00

Kat New Zealand ni, aku duduk dekat student accommodation bawah pengurusan Unicomm. Baru-baru ni, Unicomm memang kena kritikan teruk gila daripada pelajar-pelajar sebab pengurusan diorang memang lousy. Contohnya paip yang selalu bocor, bising akibat kerja selenggaraan sepanjang masa, dan tak ada gym walaupun dijanjikan. Bagi mengangani masalah ni, baru-baru ni Unicomm pun belilah beberapa ketul mesin basikal dan mesin tarik-tarik angkat berat yang macam ada kat gyms tu dan letaklah kat common room dia dengan harapan menenangkan perasaan pelajar-pelajar yang sangat marah itu.

Best juga ada gym ni. Sekali-sekala bolehlah kita pergi exercise, kan? Tapi macam mana pula kalau gym tu betul-betul depan tempat kitorang jemaah terawih?

Semalam first time terawih kat common room. The day before that buat dekat rumah salah seorang dari kami, tapi memandangkan ruang yang sempit, kami pun memindahkan jemaah ke common room, malah ada yang dah uruskan minta kebenaran dengan management pun. Yelah, hal-hal macam ni agak rumit juga. Kang kalau jadi apa-apa, susah pula kalau dia kata kita buat benda illegal. Itupun sebabnya kami sembahyang dekat corner yang paling sunyi dan tak ada orang. Unfortunately, kat corner tulah terletaknya gym, seperti yang aku dah cakap tadi.

Semalam okey je. Common room lapang dan tenang. Lebih kurang tak ada orang lain selain kitorang. Memandangkan terawih semalam berjalan dengan lancar, hari ni aku dengan bahagia dan yakinnya melangkah ke common room shortly before masuk waktu Isyak.

Punyalah ramai gila mat salleh, dan punyalah bising. Entahlah, ada yang berlegar-legar je, ada yang main muzik, dan ada sekumpulan yang paling bising tu tengah main pool. Memandangkan aku awal dan tak ada orang lain lagi (kecuali Luwita sebab kitorang datang bersama-sama), akupun duduklah kat salah satu mesin kat gym tersebut sementara menanti kawan-kawan yang lain. Tiba-tiba datanglah dua orang minah salleh, dan seorang tu memakai hot pants, dan mereka terus onkan iPod guna speaker dan exercise. ~Candyman, candyman, sweet like sugar - candyman.~

Ah, sudah. Ni macam mana nak solat ni? Kang tetengah baca al-Fatihah terselit pula candyman. Dan 'bila memikirkan hot pants kakak tu, risau juga akan konsentrasi pak imam. Maklumlah kakak tonggek-tonggek main basikal betul-betul depan pak imam. Tapi aiseh, dah pukul berapa ni, mana la pak imam?

Nasib baik juga pak imam lambat (walaupun dalam hati agak angin). By time pak imam sampai, kakak berdua juga sudah siap exercise dan sudah beredar. Maka kami memutuskan untuk meneruskan sahaja jemaah di situ (kalau kakak belum siap exercise, kami akan ke rumah kawan yang kami mula-mula jemaah dulu). Jadi masa kami mula sembahyang tu gym kosong, maka semuanya berjalan lancar, kecuali kebisingan daripada geng-geng pool, dan sekarang dah bertambah pula geng-geng yang main ping pong.

Aku tak sedar bila geng pool beredar, tapi agak-agak masa kami tengah rakaat 7 macam tu, tiba-tiba geng ping pong berhenti main ping pong dan berlari ke arah kami lalu mula bermain semua mesin yang ada di gym. Aku cuba khusyuk pada solat (susah gila), dan aku agak pak imam pun terganggu atau risau, memandangkan semua rakaat lepas tu sampai habis witir sekali dia baca al-Fatihah dengan al-Ikhlas je.

Sebenarnya agak risau juga sembahyang dekat kawasan open macam tu. Yalah, dahlah mereka memang pelik tengok actions yang ada dalam solat tu sendiri, ditambah pula dengan telekung yang serba putih. I guess in their place I would've freaked out, which is why I wasn't mad at them for being curious. I mean, I am more amused than offended. Actually, I'm not even offended. Distracted, yes definitely, but offended? No.

And that's he only reason I'm telling this story - because I'm so amused by them. I know they were curious. How did I know? Oh, easy. Just as we finished praying, they conveniently finished "working out" and returned to playing table tennis. Coincidence? Nah, I don't think so.

Haa, ye dok?

2008-09-02T21:19:00.003+12:00

Dah setahun rupanya. Tak sangka betul. Tahun lepas, masa Ramadhan, aku dah habis buat foundation, tengah cuti kat rumah dengan bahagianya. Masa sahur mak kejut. Masa berbuka mak masak apa aku nak makan. Yelah, anak tak lama lagi nak fly la katakan. Memang spoil. Time terawih pula...

Terawih kat Malaysia memang syok and easy. Kat mana-mana pun ada. Kau singgah ajelah mana-mana masjid atau surau. Masa aku kecil-kecil dulu, aku dengan mak aku siap round satu Alor Setar (masa tu nama dia belum jadi bintang lagi), cari mana masjid atau surau yang siap paling awal (ye, ini masa zaman-zaman kami sangat jahiliah). Tapi masa tahun lepas, sepanjang Ramadhan tu kitorang terawih kat surau taman rumah aku je. Aku ajak juga mak pergi surau lain, tapi dia kata tak boleh. Kita kena mengimarahkan surau qariah sendiri.

Kenapa aku ajak mak pergi surau lain? Haa. Sebab aku ada love-hate relationship dengan imam surau aku tu. Okey, I don't mean romantically. Ustaz tu maybe tak sedar langsung pun kewujudan aku. Tapi aku memang penat betul dengan ustaz tu. Aku tak tau pun nama dia siapa. Aku panggil dia Ustaz Ye Dok sebab dia selalu 'bila bercakap, akan ulang-ulang ayat dia, lepas tu kali akhir dia ulang tu, dia akan turn the statement into a question that inevitably prompts us to agree with him. "Bla bla bla. Bla bla bla. Bla bla bla, ye dok?" Last-last dapatlah dia nama Ustaz Ye Dok from yours truly. (Sekarang fikir balik, banyak dosa aku dengan ustaz ni. Haih.)

Aku sebenarnya penat dengan ustaz ni sebab surau kitorang memang akan terawih 8 rakaat je, tapi lama gila. Pukul 10 tak tentu habis. Mengalahkan masjid yang buat terawih 20 rakaat. Macam mana jadi lama sangat? Ustaz ni takde la baca surah panjang sangat, time sembahyang memang okey takde meleret-leret, tapi time lepas 4 rakaat pertama tu, dia akan bagi tazkirah. Fasal tazkirah ni la jadi love-hatenya. Sebab apa yang dia tazkirahkan tu memang betul, memang patut kita tahu, tapi lama bebenar. Macam tak bersabar je aku. Lepas tu, yang lagi buat aku hatenya adalah sebab ustaz ni pergi baca kitab Fekah. Tau ajelah Fekah. Kalau kita tak tau pokok pangkal, kang jadi sesat amalan. Masa tazkirah tu, tirai surau taklah dibuka, jadi aku tak boleh nak bertanya apa-apa yang aku tak faham. Pak cik-pak cik sekalian yang berhadapan dengan ustaz tu pula semua dah mahir kot dengan tajuk ustaz, sebab takde siapa pula yang tanya apa-apa. Ever. Jadi, walaupun tadi aku kata tazkirah ustaz ni panjang melampau, tapi 'bila mangambil kira topik yang dia bentang, masa menjadi sangat pendek dan tak cukup. Aku sungguh tak puas dengar tazkirah dia sebab aku jadi lebih banyak persoalan dari pemahaman. Maka, in the end, whatever little ilmu I got from him caused me to love the sessions, but as I said, I hated it at the same time. Bukan hate benci tau, hate penat.

I've sidetracked. Sebenarnya aku just nak restate the cliche that we never seem to be thankful of what we have. Dulu, elok-elok ada ustaz nak imamkan terawih dan bagi tazkirah, malas la, penat la, mengantuk la, menyampah la. Sekarang? Tadi masa jemaah ada 2 boys aje. Seorang imam, seorang tok bilal dia. Elok ajelah diorang lead jemaah tadi, tapi dah tak adalah tazkirah. Baru terasa. Baru teringat kat Ustaz Ye Dok, ye dok?

"Where are you going next?"

2008-08-31T15:47:00.007+12:00

"Why are you here?"
'To get a degree in B.Ed (TESOL).'

"How do you do that?"
'By doing whatever Jonathan Newton tells me to do.'

"Then? Why are you being so difficult, so pig-headed?"
'...'

* * *

I have a hunch that if I told Jonathan I'd like to continue doing FILM instead of returning to ENGL, he'll hate me for the rest of my life. And that he'll probably curse me, everyday, till the day that he died. But maybe I'm jumping to my own conclusion out of my own pessimism. I haven't even asked him yet.

The thing is, I'm afraid to ask. I have no idea what his reaction will be like, and what my reaction to his reaction will be like. Last time... well, last time we both grew to hate each others' guts, and finally I broke down in front of him. Which is kinda embarrassing, but it, at the same time, was probably the clincher that forced him to agree to me taking FILM. Haih.

Jonathan's asked for a meeting with the whole group this Thursday. I have no idea what the meeting will be about. But if it was about our next destination, then, I hope he'll ask, "Where are you going next?" instead of saying, "Here's where you're going next."

It's a scary question, "Where are you going next?" And it becomes doubly scary - if you had no answer for it. That's what choices do to you: they drive you insane. You're afraid of them, and yet you want them anyway.

I used to think, I like the statement rather than the question. Because then, even if I screwed up, it's not my fault. I didn't choose it, somebody else told me to do it. That means, I could blame that somebody. That's how I used to think. But I think I've changed.

Ironically, I think it's Jonathan who's forced me to change. Because when I did badly in some papers last trimester, I could not bring myself to put the blame on Jonathan for making me take those papers. I saw no benefit in it for me. Jonathan's not going to be affected by my bad grades - but I'm stuck with them. For life. I may emerge out of this whole experience a brilliant person, but the history is there, the taint is there. Not because Jonathan told me to take those papers. Because I allowed Jonathan to tell me to take those papers. I didn't realise it then, but that was my choice.

Now, I might choose FILM and screw up. But I might just choose ENGL, which Jonathan would approve a little bit more than he would FILM, and screw up anyway. But I suppose that in the end, if my life was going to be screwed up, then let me screw it up. I don't want some guy I barely know for barely one year screwing it up for me. After all, it's my life, isn't it? Leave the choices to me. Let me screw it up. Because I'm the one who's gonna have to live with it, wherever I'm going to next.

...Ask me where I'm going to next, because I'm asking myself the same thing.

p/s- Merdekakah aku kalau nak discuss dengan Programme Director kat university pun takut? Macam kena jajah je bunyi, kan?

p/p/s - Apapun, Selamat Hari Merdeka.

What you don't know

2008-08-30T18:34:00.003+12:00

Aku tiba-tiba penat.
Kes blog hopping ni jugalah.
Dulu apa pun tak tau, tak mau ambil tau.
Prinsip aku?
"What you don't know can't hurt you."
And the newspapers are just a window into a world of suffering,
jadi nak baca buat apa?
Biar tak payah ambil tau.

Tiba-tiba jadi rajin pula ambil tahu.
Sibuk ke sana sini baca itu baca ini.
Macam tak boleh nak absorb pula.
Semua orang lebih hebat, tahu lebih banyak.
Dan issue macam gila.

Fasal politik tu satulah.
Kalau boleh aku tak mau tau.
Tapi kalau aku punya investment semua asyik rugi
because foreign investors think we are politically unstable...
Aku dah cakap dulu, aku ni selfish.
Jadi aku angin jugalah satu badan 'bila fikir.

Fasal Melayu...
Aku juga anak Melayu.
Aku ni betul ke ada wawasan, ada cita-cita?
Ke aku ni classic case of Minah Jenin?
Aku ingatkan aku ada arah
rupa-rupanya cuma mimpi kosong?

Aku ni...
tergolong dengan orang-orang yang abuse Hak Ketuanan Melayu tu ke?

Fasal wawasan.
Kesian "tok wan" aku si Mahathir tu.
Penat-penat dia fikir pasal Wawasan 2020 tu
penat-penat dia perjuangkan
aku sebenarnya tak tau pun apa misi Wawasan 2020.
Aku ni ignorant rupanya.

Fasal agama.
Hari tu aku came across a mention of
Hassan al-Banna.
Aku... dah lupa siapa al-Banna.
Aku rasa dia yang compile al-Matsurah,
tapi aku betul-betul tak sure.
Aku lebih tahu fasal Cleopatra, fasal Caesar
daripada al-Banna.

Lagi
hari tu masa kat Auckland
aku terpegang kasut kulit babi
lepas tu aku debat dengan diri sendiri
nak samak ke tak. Maybe tak kena pun tangan aku.
Kasut tu lining dalam dia aje yang kulit babi...
nak samak ke tidak?
Pastu aku tanya diri sendiri
kalau aku tak samak
solat aku sah tak?
Ni dah kira kes berat kan?
Aku lupa reason kena samak tu fasal babi tu najis.
Najis berat.
Kalau dah najis
sure-sure tak sah aku punya solat
tapi boleh aku tanya lagi?

Aku...
memang dah parah.

Tapi yang lebih lagi
aku macam tak ingin nak ambil tahu.
Aku macam dah balik kepada
prinsip asalku.
What you don't know can't hurt you.
Aku suka itu.

'Bila tengok
aku mengarut je pandai.
Aku sendiri percaya ke apa benda yang aku tulis ni?
Takkan aku tong kosong je kot?
Ke aku memang?

Alahai manjaku sayang

2008-08-27T17:35:00.008+12:00

Well, sekarang ni aku baru pandai nak blog hop, and, I think it’s amazing what some Malaysians out there are writing. These are youths, not much older than myself if not younger, who are discussing some real serious issues. Including Hak Ketuanan Melayu. For example, check this and this out.

I just had to ask myself, do I agree?

I really don’t know. On the one hand, it’s only fair that the system should be meritocracy. Where people rise and fall depending on how hard they work at it. How badly they wanted it, and how much effort they put into it. That’s only fair, right?

One the other hand, however, aku ni manusia juga. Oleh sebab aku manusia, aku ada juga perasaan selfish aku. Masa SPM dulu, aku dapat 8A 1B je. Berlambak lagi non-Malays yang result jauh lebih hebat dari aku, dan sememangnya result aku tu tak hebat langsung. Aku sedar. I am acutely aware that without the clause Hak Ketuanan Melayu tu, takkan aku ada kat New Zealand ni sekarang. I do feel bad for being so selfish, but I can’t help it. I hope, at least, that I will be able to redeem myself by coming back to serve anak bangsa Malaysia. Tak kisahlah Melayu ke, Cina ke, India ke, apa-apa bangsa pun, yang penting kita semua anak Malaysia. Tuhan, teguhkanlah hati aku supaya nanti aku pulang dan berbakti.

Anyway, back to the issue, am I being racist if I said that without Hak Ketuanan Melayu tu, there is no way Malays could compete with others? Am I looking down at my own race, or am I just trying to be honest? Why can’t the Malays compete with non-Malays? Aku rasa, Hak ketuanan Melayu itu jugalah reason utamanya. Sebab kita ada kelebihan, buat apa nak susah-susah, kan? Orang dah jamin kita akan masuk juga universiti walaupun result teruk, buat apa nak risau lagi, kan? Itulah fasal utamanya, kan? Kan?

Kita selalu kata, orang Melayu mana boleh lawan dengan orang Cina, dengan orang India. Dia orang memang pandai. Yakah? Memang betul mereka pandai ke? Ada ke bukti yang mereka tu intellectually superior than us? Bukti yang ada, mereka rajin. Tengoklah mana-mana sekolah Cina (i.e. SKJC), sekolah belum mula, mereka dah habiskan satu, dua buku latihan. ‘Bila anak-anak Melayu sibuk lepak, sibuk hisap dadah, mereka still kat sekolah, ada kelas tambahan. Jadi? Fair ke kalau kita cakap dia orang score time exam sebab Tuhan jadikan mereka lebih bijak dari kita? Kan Tuhan kata Dia Maha Adil. Usaha dia orang banyak mana, usaha kita banyak mana? Result yang Tuhan bagi pun setimpallah, kan?

Ya, aku tahu dan aku memang sedar semua ni.
Tapi aku rasa aku tipu kalau aku kata aku setuju Hak Ketuanan Melayu tu dilupuskan je. At least, not now. Not yet.

There will be a time for it. I cannot disagree that this thing has gone on longer than it should. It’s been, perhaps, 51 years too long. In that period, Malays have grown to be complacent with what we have. But I suppose, judging from the different voices that I’m hearing, that there is still hope. There is much work to be done, certainly, but I believe it can be done. We can educate Malays to appreciate and really use the advantage handed to them on silver platter, this opportunity commonly called Hak Ketuanan Melayu.

But, we can, is one thing.
We MUST, is a different matter altogether.

When did we start to grow complacent? At one point in time, we used to rule the Nusantara. Kitalah jaguh. And then, when facing the threat of perpetual colonialism, we managed to stand together and win our country. That’s an evidence of our semangat juang. Where have we thrown that spirit? When did we throw it?

You know what I think is the issue with us Malays?
We can’t be given face, and we can’t be praised.

An easy example? Well, just look at any of our athletes. They do well in one event, whole country likes it, they are praised and featured in all newspapers…next event/tournament/match? Hmm. So yeah. We can’t be given face at all. We must always be forced to fight for something, and then only we would show our true potential.

Just the way our athletes usually come through with great results after harsh criticism, perhaps that is the way it should be with us Malays. Just the way when we were fighting for our independence. Faced with the prospect of being colonialised for good, how was it that we managed to pull our strengths together to fight off the British?

Because we were threatened, and because we were scared.

And so, coming back to the issue of Hak Ketuanan Melayu, to conclude based on the very broad, very generalised examples above, perhaps the thing to do is to abolish Hak Ketuanan Melayu. Maybe then Malays will be forced into excellence.

Yes, I am afraid, as I said above, to think of the consequences of not having Hak Ketuanan Melayu to my advantage.
But I think I’ve changed my mind.
Maybe it is time.

Tagged.

2008-08-27T16:34:00.004+12:00

Iqa's tagged me.

Instructions:
Remove 1 question from below and add in a personal question, make it a total of 20 questions.
Then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post.
Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

1. What is your favourite song right now?
~ The Mamas and the Papas – California Dreamin’

2. What is your most favorite thing to do?
~ Eh? Eat kot.

3. What kind of news do you read?
~ I don’t read news. The world is too sad. Although, I must start reading soon.

4. What would you give up in return to eat all you want in the world and not get fat?
~ The weighing scales? Hahaha.

5. Is there someone in your heart right now?
~ Nah. Or, does Daniel Carter count?

6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
~ No. Duh. Unless I was stranded on an uncivilised island with fresh water and food (i.e. fruits, veges, game animal) supply. Then maybe.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
~ My mom.

8. What do you feel like doing right now?
~ Golek dalam selimut baca novel. Ahhhh.

9. List out 3 things you wish you had right now.
~ All the money I could ever wish for. A car. Maid/chef. Haih~

10. If there’s someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
~ Nope. I’m too chicken. Tapi tak tau la kan. Aku belum pernah jatuh cinta.

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
~ Dia mesti ada pengetahuan agama and practice (kalau setakat tahu je nak buat apa kan). Mesti ada kerjaya dan income. Bukan materialistic, tapi nak hidup kenalah kan. Does not smoke. Kalau dia kacak pun bagus juga =)

12. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
~ Narrow minded.

13. What are the characteristics of your dream job?
~ When I can be free to be who I really am. When I can do things I enjoy and get paid reasonably handsomely. When I’ll wake up in the mornings looking forward to go to work.

14. If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
~ Char kuew tiaw with lots of kerang, udang, sotog, telur, kuchai and taugeh. Nyum nyum!

15. If you had a choice to be rich or happy, which one would you pick?
~ Happy, I think. Although, I always think it’s hard to be happy if you were dead broke, I mean broke as in you can’t feed yourself, clothe yourself and provide shelter for yourself.

16. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
~ I wish I was more intellectual.

17. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
~ My mom.

18. How do you see yourself in 10 years’ time?
~ I dunno. I kinda take the future for granted. Married with kids, I guess. But maybe I’ll also be doing Ph.D.

19. What is the one thing you love about yourself?
~ That I love myself.

20. If you have the chance to own a superpower what would it be?
~ Super intelligence. Where I can understand everything, and help solve all the problems in this world and thus bring peace to the world.

The people I would like to tag are:
Um… Iqa’s tagged the few people I would tag. Anyone who wishes to do this, I guess.

Lecturers say the darnest things: FILM101

2008-08-26T20:23:00.002+12:00

I somehow just started jotting down "interesting" things my lecturers/tutors said in lectures/tutorial. They are verbatim, though they may be only fragments of what was said. Definitely they are out of context now. They are in chronological order.

---

"You gotta do one thing everyday that frightens you."

"Please don't think it. What I need you to do is feel it."

"If you do do one thing this weekend, make sure it's terrifying."

"We gotta stop being pre-programmed and we gotta start feeling again."

"Get naked - go on!"

"...um..."

"Steal a phone, come on!"

"I'm gonna come around and set fire to your mum tonight!"

"We're miraculous people."

"He's gorgeous. I'd leave my wife and kids for Neo."

"I'm just getting self-conscious now..."

"...Brad Pitt in Troy. What an ass, yes!"

"If this doesn't move you, I'm gonna walk out of the lecture."

Student: Can I get a bottle of wine? I'm going out tonight.
Lecturer: You're not getting anything! Maybe some sour milk.

"Let's get serious. Let me show you some clip from... hahaha... True Lies."

"Contemplation? Hahaha. I'm gonna wet my pants."

"My life is one long boring fucking shot, I can tell you."

"I wanna fall in love again."

"So I won't be eating chicken for a while."

"...If I smashed it with a hammer, I'm destroying it, not analysing."

"I kinda had a nervous breakdown actually - but that's alright."

"We're gonna have Spielbergs - spleargh!"

"Isn't that easy? Look -
she's dead as a doorknob."

"Do you know how long I take to do that -
for it to fail so miserably?"

"Fuck the guns. Shit the bombs.
Film could be the thing that activates the working class."

"...That's how Hollywood eats everything."

"You are, all of you, the blip-blip generation.
You need speed, you need urgency,
you need me to play games with you on Friday afternoons or it'll be too boring."

"Good night, fuck off."

"...who was a German. I think he was a German. I hope he was a German."

"Communism hasn't worked anyway -
we know that much."

"Who knows? Who cares? Cause we're in Film theory."

"No, I will not steal a car. But I will steal a movie."

"For many, many people, film is a whore of art."

"...This is 'Traumeo and Juliet'.
Oh yeah, Shakespeare is turning over and over and over in his grave."

"Let's get high, my children.
This is the 21st century - burn those books!"

"Can you believe? Wow, what a lecture.
Can I have an applause already?"

"You fell in love with the buffalo that day, and you know it."

"If anybody walks out again today, I'm gonna shoot you."

"It's gonna be on BlackBoard by, um, December."

"I won't stop till Week 10, when you shot and stabbed me - numerous times!"

"Actually, let's not care about the films."

"I don't know why kids should read books instead of watching movies."

"Yay for fucking Dolby!"

Lecturers say the darnest things: LALS101

2008-08-26T20:01:00.002+12:00

"...Well, perhaps you would believe."

"I make every effort to never split infinitives.
I certainly wouldn't use no double negatives.
I agree that prepositions are things you shouldn't end sentences with.
And I never start a sentence with and."

"What else do you know about verbs and sentences?"

"Most of you, I suspect, would not use 'whom' in everyday conversation."

"Fix something now before it gets worse...
Probably something I should remember when looking at my house."

"People use these claims to make a statement about the general public -
whoever the general public might be."

"'Primitive' is a swearword when it comes to languages."

"English has no grammar."

"Here's a dictionary of Maori. I've brought along a dictionary of English -
just for comparison."

"Anyone who speaks the language of Shakespeare must speak a primitive language because they have a tiny vocabulary?"

"Primitive languages have no grammar, they say -
whatever that means."

"...You know what you do when you meet somebody who doesn't speak your language? You shout a lot!"

"...Who cares?"

"And we don't know the answer."

"Fancy getting paid to invent a whole language."

"Speak English - why can't you?"

"This is the 'Upset Tummy Tree'. This is the 'Headache Tree'."

"They didn't come to the shop to say nasty things about you.
Get real!"

"Where's the picture?"

"You're all very, very beautiful.
Yes, you are."

"I can read your feeling but not your mind."

"No one's ever asked these questions before, or answered them.
...It took me 15 years."

"There's not a giraffe standing beside me."

"I mean, take a language like Swedish.
Swedish has all sorts of different vowels."

"I had dental work today so this area is, um, numb."

"I'm breaking traditions by having a handout.
I'm wasting the world's resources - sorry."

"...toddlers - those clever little people..."

"Exactly. Because 'please' gets you things whereas 'thank you' is...
superfluous."

"...babies are great suckers!"

"You shouldn't even be thinking...
Because we're all very creative."

"It's a scary thought that after a few years, those cute kids will turn into teenagers."

"That's what I did, when I was 12 or 13. Thanks mum."

"Because you're forced to? Like in my case when I was 12?"

Lecturers say the darnest things: EDUC236

2008-08-26T18:37:00.003+12:00

"We do not have to work to live; instead we live to play."

"Contrary to popular myths, some children suffer from depression."

"For 21 years, the Simpsons has been on TV.
Isn't that a horrible thought?"

"90% of university students suffer from ADD.
ADD is the ability to sit still for 6 hours and take in all that learning.
For me, most people suffer from ADD."

"Maybe the solution is we buy everybody a Wii."

"...Young people don't grief."

"...I wish I was here last week."

"Hopefully, from now on, I'm gonna be here and I'm not gonna go anywhere."

"And that's my e-mail if you want to send me words of encouragement or whatever."

"I'm not the repository of all Maori development - I forgot to tell you that.
There's my disclaimer!"

"If you're confused, raise your hand and I'll try to make you more confused."

"How many Olympians do we have here?"

"Sexuality is an expression of life force."

"After all, human beings are very complicated."

"I'm a digital immigrant. I've had to learn it.
You think the generation before me - they're lost!"

"Never mind that I'm 37 - I'm still my mother's daughter."

"Hello, my mother. Some of the things my children have to wear - you have no idea."

"What have we become since September 11? Scared."

"The 1st 6 weeks of having children can send a person insane."

"And New Zealand being New Zealand, we blindly follow."

"Don't like it, husband's not working for me? Get a new one."

Just for the heck of it

2008-08-25T19:39:00.004+12:00

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- Elizabeth Bishop

It's a sobering experience, losing your wallet. At first I really felt nothing: I thought, I still had my passport, and I'd have enough money in the bank. No, I needn't worry, I'd be fine.

Then the realisation dawned on me. Sure, money was not an issue. Neither were the ID cards etc - you could apply for new ones. But the memory was. It took me quite a while to remember that my mom gave me that wallet, that I had my parents' pictures in it, and that losing the wallet meant that I lost the receipt of the dinner I'd treated my family to before flying off (I collect receipts, in case anyone's wondering). And, silly as this may sound, I also lost a piece of ribbon, the excess from a long piece I'd use for the only present I'd ever been able to muster the courage to send to one of my crushes. So yeah, it's a sobering experience, losing your wallet.

So I was just thinking, what else have I lost?

- A bedtime story book (n.d.). I think my mom gave this to me. I don't remember losing it, just that I used to have it, but that I don't anymore.

- Library book (1995). A book about a bear or something. I was so afraid I had my abah go meet the librarian.

- Mickey Mouse watch (1996). My first watch ever. For the life of me, I can't remember how I lost it.

- Money (1996). RM2000 vanished from my bank account, which my mom had set up and was saving for me.

- Guess watch (1998). I think I lost 2 Guess watches, but I'm not sure anymore. One time I took it off during Science lab, and then I forgot it, and then it was gone.

- Camera (1999). Almost. Left on tour bus in Kuching. Got it back though.

- Semi-completed cross-stitch set (2000). When we moved to Pahang, I left it somewhere in Kedah.

- My grandmother (2001).

- Class money (2003). I was class treasurer. There was a shortage of some sort. Of course I had to make up for the shortage.

- Physics textbook (2004). Somebody stole it, and then I found it after I had bought a new one.

- Wallet (2008). I suspect I dropped it in an AirBus during trip to Auckland.

- Hair clip (2008). I was quite unlucky during the trip to Auckland =(

I'm sure the clumsy klutz that I am has lost more things than listed, but these are all the "major" things I could think of at the moment. I supposed it'd be kind of annoying to list every single piece of eraser I'd lost, eh?

2008-08-23T17:58:00.001+12:00

Adakah aku memang emo terlebih
ataupun memang patut perasaan emo aku ni?

Hikayat budak bijak

2008-08-21T18:09:00.002+12:00

Apa Jo buat 'bila dia first-first sampai Langkawi dulu? Dia hilangkan kunci apartment.

Apa Jo buat 'bila dia sampai Auckland tadi? Budak bijaksana tu - dia pergi hilangkan dia punya wallet.

Haih. I pun tak tau apa nak buat dengan dia. Nak kata I marah, tidak. Nak kata I sedih, tidak juga. Tapi tipulah kalau I kata I tak risau.

Dari awal lagi Tuhan dah bagi clue. Dia ingatkan flight pukul 10. 7.30 lagi dah keluar rumah. Tengok-tengok, flight pukul 12 rupanya. Lapar ni tak payah nak kata. Cikedis yang stewardess tu kasi pun dia hentam sampai licin.

Sesampai je, terus ambil Airbus untuk ke town, pergi ke rumah kawan-kawan yang bakal jadi rumah tumpangan sepanjang trip kali ni. Bersuka-ria sakan la jumpa kawan-kawan, sampai tak ingat la apa-apa lagi. Memandangkan dia orang pun baru habis kelas, dia orang sama-sama makan Maggi je. Lepas tu terus decide nak keluar, tengok kampus Auckland. Masa tu barulah hamba Allah bijak tu nak check dia punya handbag.

"Eh, mana I punya wallet eh?" Ah, sudah.

Habis sepetang dia kerja kejar Airbus je kat sekeliling kawasan dia berhenti tadi. Telefon ofis dia pun, dia orang kata tak ada pun orang hantar barang hilang. Last-last terpaksalah pergi cancel kan kad bank. Nak jadi rezeki nasib baik pasport tak hilang sekali. Tapi, IC, Uni ID, lesen... semua lesap.

Ni semua kerja budak Jo bijaksana tu. I tak tau lah macam mana I nak bagitau kat mak dia.

Hujan emas di negeri orang

2008-08-18T16:46:00.002+12:00

Ah cantik betul. Wellington ni memang cantik. Sayang tak ingat nak bawak kamera. Ingat nak keluar ke pekan je tadi. Dah lama sangat tak beli barang dapur. Hari ni lapang sikit, jadi aku pun keluar. Ah Wellington.

Baru aku perasan. Aku macam dah serasi kat sini. Dulu masa mula-mula sampai, semua benda rasa asing. Tengok orang, semua orang putih je, rasa macam nak freak out. Even the air smelled different, foreign. Tapi hari ni aku rasa aku dah tak ingat macam mana bau udara kat Malaysia, kat Kuantan.

Hari ni cantik sungguh-sungguh. Subhanallah. Aku agak spring dah mula kot. Last-last, on the way nak ke pekan tu, singgah beli aiskrim kejap. ‘Bila dah ada aiskrim tu apa lagi, ke pantailah jawabnya.

Ah langit biru sungguh. Awan jarang-jarang dan fluffy. And the sea sparkles in the sunlight. Memang tenang betul duduk kat tepi laut ni. Tengok itik, tengok burung albatross duduk terapung kat laut tu tonggek-tonggek. Syok betul, rasa macam nak jadi itik je. Tak payah nak fikir apa-apa lagi.

Ah Wellington. Beza betul kalau nak banding dengan KL. Sini pun capital city, tapi aku rasa maybe tak takut kalau nak besarkan anak kat sini. Walaupun capital city, tak haru-biru macam kat KL. Aku duduk kat tepi pantai ni pukul 1 hari Isnin – joggers tak terkira. Joggers, skaters, couples… tak kurang juga orang bawa anak-anak tengok itik, bawa anjing jalan-jalan. Semua orang keluar menikmati hari. Tak dapatnya kat KL nak tengok scenario macam ni time-time macam ni. Yelah, kat KL mana ada pantai pun kan. And dengan Malaysia punya weather tu, kalau ada orang pergi jogging pukul 1 tengah hari, aku sendiri akan kata dia tu gila.

Hai la. Kalau tanya aku, ah, jom beli small cruise ship sebiji, beli rumah kat kaki bukit sebiji. Lepas tu? Lepas tu, kita hiduplah dengan mundane-nya. Aku tak kisah hidup tenang macam ni. Janji bahagia. Nanti aku masakkan dinner untuk famili aku, untuk anak-anak aku, lepas tu kitorang boleh makan dekat luar, dekat atas balcony sambil tengok reflection bulan atas laut, tengok kapal-kapal dan tengok kapal terbang turun nak mendarat.

Mak aku cakap...

2008-08-18T16:45:00.002+12:00

Mak aku cakap, ada sesetengah benda tu masalah kita.
Ada lagi sesetengah yang lain tu bukan masalah kita,
tapi masalah tu dekat dengan kita.

Mak aku juga cakap,
tak payahlah nak susah-susah pening kepala
kalau benda tu bukan masalah kita.

Biarlah.
Ni bukan masalah aku.
Aku takkan sebok lagi.
Aku takkan ambil tahu lagi.
Biar lantak.

Oh..!

2008-08-17T00:37:00.005+12:00

I just wanted to say I'm so happy right now.
I danced 3 shows just now at the Asian Night Market event - Mangunatip twice, Indian once.

The first Mangunatip was quite disastrous, I think.
By most accounts, it was obvious that I was counting the steps. I sincerely thought I'd hid it behind my smile.

The second time?
Of course it wasn't flawless, but I was no longer nervous. I'd done this before.
And I was determined to have as much fun as I could.
And that's what I did.
And when I was on the stage for Indian... oh!

Towards the evening I couldn't even eat because I was so happy - which is unheard of if your name was Syafiqah Johan. I'm so happy that I'm so happy, hahahaha.

I just want to say thanks especially to Iqa (for always being there and putting up with my nonsense), to dear friends Zaty, Shufaiha and Che, and last but not the least to members of Bahtera Budaya and Abang Rudy. I had so much fun, thanks guys. And sorry if was a bit slow or anything, or if I ever wronged any of you guys.

So yeah. Bahtera Budaya's motto: Dancing is fun~
I couldn't disagree.

Be consistent already, will you?

2008-08-14T23:59:00.005+12:00

I received an assignment back today. Here's something the marker's summarised from everybody's work:

"Another thing to mention is inconsistency of the style you used. Please, be more careful with that and review your notes on how to reference the sources in the body of the text."

How dare they -! Argh!

You know what the problem is with this so-called world of academia?
They think they're all geniuses (well, maybe they are, but I'm semi-emo right now) and that they are always, always right.

All in all, I've taken, what, 7 papers since the start of my university days? And 6 out of that 7 claim to use the APA referencing style. Okay. Sure. But the so-called APA style between the papers are not the same! Compare these, from a few of my assignments:

ALIN101/LANGTCHG102:

Breen, M. (2001) Syllabus Design: Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press

EDUC112:

Harms, L. (2005). Understanding Human Development: A Multidimensional Approach. South Melbourne: Oxford University Press.

TEAP132:

McInerney, D. M. & McInerney, V. (2006). Educational Psychology: Constructing Learning (4^th ed.). Frenchs Forest, N.S.W. : Pearson Prentice Hall.

LALS101:

Katzner, Kenneth 2002. The Languages of the World. 3^rd edn. New York, NY: Routledge.

Granted, a few of these look quite similar, except for the occasional difference of where you should put your full stop(s). But the thing is, that singular full stop may be the difference between an A and an A-. Or, in the worst case scenario, it may be the decider between a fail and a pass. Just a full stop, right? Hell, no.

And pay close attention to LALS101's format of APA referencing. Is that really APA? That's what my tutor said. But it's so different from everybody else. (These are just examples of the reference list - in-text citations are even more dreadfully confusing.) And yeah, that comment today was from a LALS assignment, which is really rubbing salt into wound.

I mean, it's okay to be different. Variations are the cause of change, and we need changes in this world like we need the air. In different fields of study, there is bound to be a difference in what is given priority. Maybe EDUC values the year the book/journal/article was published, while LALS puts more importance on who wrote it, hence the spelling out of even the first name. It's okay to be different, totally - just please don't go around saying you guys are the same, or are using the same thing.

I'm so tempted to call the APA and ask for their clarification on this case:
"Hey, do you guys know my lecturers are abusing your name, or do you guys sanction that? And which one is the correct APA referencing again?"

Berkaitan Bahasa

2008-08-07T16:40:00.008+12:00

"Takkan Melayu hilang di dunia."
-Hang Tuah

Bersempena dengan Bersatu Games 2008 masa cuti setengah tahun hari itu, Kelab UMNO NZ ada anjurkan pertandingan bahas ala parlimen. Antara beberapa tajuk perbahasan tu, tajuk yang aku fikir paling klise adalah "Bahasa Melayu mampu menjadi bahasa dunia." Kalau tidak tepat pun, lebih kurang itu jugalah tajuknya.

Apapun, apabila dengar tajuk tu aku mesti fikir, tidak habis-habis kan orang Melayu ni? Dari dulu sampai sekarang asyik nak berbahas tajuk yang sama saja. Bahasa Melayu mampu menjadi bahasa dunia. Yalah bahasa Melayu pernah jadi lingua franca masa zaman kegemilangan Melaka dulu. Tapi tu dulu. Sekarang zaman dah lain. Cukup-cukuplah. Tak habis-habis nak hidup dalam zaman kenangan saja.

Tapi semalam aku ada kuliah linguistik. Tajuk semalam adalah Language Death. Kematian bahasa. Baru aku meremang bulu roma sikit. Cikgu aku tu cakap, dianggarkan 50% dari bahasa yang wujud hari ni akan mati dalam lebih kurang 100 tahun akan datang ni. Memanglah bahasa Melayu tak tergolong dalam bahasa yang terancam, tapi aku tetap rasa ngeri juga.

Salah satu sebab kematian bahasa ni adalah keengganan penuturnya untuk menurunkan bahasa tersebut kepada generasi akan datang. Contoh yang cikgu tu guna adalah bahasa Maori: Satu masa dulu, mereka yakin anak-anak mereka akan lebih berjaya kalau pandai bahasa Inggeris, maka mereka mula berkomunikasi menggunakan bahasa Inggeris. Sampaikan sekarang, dianggarkan hanya 42% keturunan Maori boleh bertutur dalam bahasa Maori. Dalam 42% tu termasuklah yang sangat mahir sampai yang baru nak belajar. Tapi dalam kes Maori ni, dia orang dah capai kesedaran. Sekarang, usaha untuk selamatkan bahasa mereka tu dijalankan dengan meluas, dan hasilnya pun dah mula nampak.

Tapi ada pula sesetengah bangsa di Afrika yang baru nak mula melupakan bahasa sendiri sebab rasa bahasa Inggeris lebih bagus dari bahasa ibunda mereka. Banyak pakar bahasa berusaha nak beritahu mereka betapa ruginya mereka nanti, bahawa kalau betulpun nak guna bahasa Inggeris, penggunaan tu harus selaras dengan bahasa ibunda mereka. Mereka akan fasih dalam dua bahasa - kan untung? Tapi mereka pula kata kepada pakar-pakar bahasa tu, "Siapa kau orang yang konon-konon lebih tau apa yang kami patut buat?"

Sekarang ni, bahasa Inggeris (dan bahasa Sepanyol) dah dapat gelaran "bahasa pembunuh". Sebabnya, banyak bahasa dilupakan atas sebab penutur-penuturnya berpendapat berbahasa Inggeris (atau Sepanyol) lebih menguntungkan, lebih memberi mereka kemampuan untuk maju dalam dunia hari ini. Aku tak taulah adakah cikgu aku tu terkecil hati sebab bahasa ibunda dia memang bahasa Inggeris, tapi dia tanya pula, "Betul ke bahasa Inggeris ni bahasa pembunuh? Ataupun, apabila bahasa Inggeris datang dekat, bahasa-bahasa yang lain bunuh diri?"

Terdiam sekejap aku. Memang betul juga cakap dia. Kalau kita sendiri yang nak melupakan bahasa kita, kenapa nak kata bahasa orang yang bunuh bahasa kita? Tapi apa-apapun, lepas kuliah semalam aku terus ubah fikiran fasal tajuk perbahasan tu. Ya, aku masih rasa tajuk tu klise, tapi sekurang-kurangnya ia menzahirkan kebanggaan kita terhadap bahasa kita sendiri. Oleh sebab tajuk-tajuk perbahasan macam tulah, pada saat aku menulis ni aku taklah terlampau risau yang bahasa Melayu akan tiba-tiba mati.

2008-08-06T19:18:00.004+12:00

Have you ever wanted to preserve something so much you end up spoiling it?
Have you ever liked something so much you end up being scared of it?
Have you ever wanted something to be perfect you end up botching it?

Like the cake that I thought I'd keep for just another day.
Like my FILM101 paper.
Like writing assignments.

Is this trend suggesting that I will be a bad mom because I will love my child(ren) too much?

Few original ideas are left in this world

2008-08-04T17:00:00.003+12:00

I called my mom yesterday. I had cooked something new, and I was excitedly describing it to her. I didn't even know what to call it.

First I sauteed some garlic, cardamom and cili api. Then I added the chilli paste. When the chilli was nicely cooked, I put in some tomato paste. Then some coconut milk. Some sugar. Let them simmer for a while. When that's done, I put in some hoki fillet. Some salt. Had a taste, and knew something was missing. Ah, let's throw in some kaffir lime leaves and just a squeeze of lemon. Taste again. Just nice. Tasted quite rendang-ish.

"Kakak lupa letak serai," said my mom.

Eh? I did think before I turned off the fire, should I throw in some lemongrass, but decided against it. What's she talking about? Why would she know I should put lemongrass in?

"Tu yang kakak buat tu masak padang la."

Oh. And I thought it's my own wonderful invention. I was cooking a traditional dish and I didn't even know it.

Here we go again...

2008-08-03T19:19:00.005+12:00

Assignment 1: Draw a cat.
Assignment 2: Draw a dog and describe its characteristics.

I had a premonition she was going to ask me what a dog is. Haih~

I was definitely calmer today. I tried to keep in mind what Zaty said about having different expectations for different people - just because I can understand it doesn't mean she also can.

But please, please, please just do your own research before asking. And if you already did, then find ways to tell me that, but that you still need help. I suppose that is fine, because, hey, I also need help a lot of the time. Most of the time. But do put in your own effort first before asking.

That's my desk. I've researched on this topic the whole day. My desk looks like I'm writing a million-dollar novel or something. And because I've done my research, I ask different questions than you. That's why I'm under the impression you haven't done your research.

Your question: What is a dog? I'm confused...

My question: That book says a dog barks, but this journal says they howl. I'm confused as to which is correct. Are they both correct? Is barking really different from howling?

We have 2 more assignments coming up. Next is describing a horse. If you still ask me questions without researching, I'll describe you an elephant. They're still technically the same; both mammals, both have 4 legs, both herbivorous. But horses have manes, while elephants tusks - and elephants are the only mammal that can't jump. If you hadn't researched your topic, you won't know I'm misleading you.

But that's still very nice of me. If you still unthinkingly ask me questions after that... For assignment 4, we'll have to describe a rhino. I'll very sweetly tell you wonderful stories about the dinosaurs instead.

Maori Worldview?

2008-07-31T21:18:00.004+12:00

Again? [Facade, Clash, Story] I’m so over this issue already.

I knew EDUC236’s lecture for today was about Maori, but I honestly reserved my judgment. I really wished that the lecture could really give me an insight, an enlightenment, into the truth of the issue. I wanna know. I wanna understand. Really, I do.

I think it’s interesting, this idea of “worldview”. The lecturer mentioned how Maori are different. They see the world differently from others because they have their own worldview. And the lecturer mentioned that, as a Maori, she was confused as to when she’s allowed to put on this worldview. At one point she’s a student, then a teacher, then a mother - when is she a Maori?

I really don’t know how to answer that. I think she is always a Maori. Just like I’m always a Malay. Malay student, Malay girl, Malay daughter, Malay friend, Malay everything. I don’t think I can separate my Malay-ness from my roles. (On top of that, I am a Muslim Malay, but let’s not talk about that because she didn’t mention about being, say, a Christian or Buddhist Maori.) Malay is part of what I am and who I am, and what made me into the person that I am.

While I always try to maintain my Malay worldview, I try to accommodate other worldviews. Example: I get it that generally New Zealanders drink for social and leisure purposes – I don’t go and do it myself because it’s not in my culture (not yet, anyway, and hopefully God will help me to always remember Him and my roots and be true to my worldview). I get it that Maori are community- rather than individual-oriented. When you guys do something, it's for the greater good, and you guys like to work in groups. I get it. At least at the most basic level, I get it, I hope.

I try to understand this concept of on/off Maori worldview, but it really befuddles me. Because I personally think there shouldn't even be a question of when you're allowed to put on your Maori worldview. Worldview is something you can never ever take off. Even if you wanted to. It is not the question of when and if you are allowed to put on your worldview. If you are really sure of your worldview, then nobody can say you are forbidden from seeing the world through your worldview. Because your worldview is you; it is in you and it envelopes you. Only you can define your own worldview.

You know what I miss?

2008-07-30T20:56:00.000+12:00

You know what I miss?

I miss waiting for my dad to come home from the surau after Isyak. “Daddy, jom pi McDonalds.” My dad would be in his usual kain pelikat, baju Melayu and kopiah, and my mom in her caftan. My sister would come giggling, delighted. I’ll be in my shorts, donning a cap to hide my hair. And we would drive right across town to Teluk Chempedak for a sundae. My mom would say, “No fries or nuggets – they’ll make you fat,” and then give in and buy them anyway.

You know what else I miss?

I miss the intimacy of a window with drawn curtains. Yes I have curtains in my room – but this is not home. At home, behind drawn curtains, families sit down to dinner and fight over the channel. The children would want to watch some movies – “Tukar. Daddy nak tengok Buletin Utama.” – and my mom, “Jangan gaduh depan rezeki.” Behind drawn curtains, I would do the dishes while my sister stomped her way to throw the trash.

You know what else I miss?

Sahur. Ah. My sister and I will sometimes stay up until sahur. The best movies are always on during the odd hours. Besides, I wouldn’t have to fight my dad for the channel. Or we’d play games on the PS2. Even if I’d gone to bed my mom always woke me up for sahur. And I’d always wake up because I love to eat so much. After sahur we’d wait until Subuh before going to bed. And in the evening, pasar Ramadhan… oh!

* * *

I don’t know. I guess I just miss home that’s all.

Strike: Elemental!

2008-07-26T23:23:00.007+12:00

Sure. They were hot, and they were sweaty. Of course their biceps bulged as they drummed on confidently, hints of a smile playing on their lips because they were so sure and so secure. Even though they occasionally dropped their drumsticks. Even though they were just drumming on junks and blowing into huge bowls of water. But they were more than that. Much more.

Strike’s Elemental was phenomenal. When I say phenomenal, I mean it’s one of those shows that produce reaction in the extremes. You either love it or hate it – the only middle ground would be confounded. Or, in this particular case, temporary deafness.

* * *

Of course we were early. How could we be otherwise? We got our tickets from the counter – A6 to A13. Okay. Does A mean the very front or the very back? And I really don’t know our exact feeling when we discovered that it was the very front. The very, very front. I think the stage was less than a meter away from us. Personally, I was uneasily delighted. They said you’d need earplugs. And if I was sitting way up here then that means I’m gonna be deaf?

Then the girls found the free earplugs. I lost mine even before the show started. I remember thinking, “Oh, there goes my hearing for the rest of the night,” just as the lights dimmed. Then I saw them, four of them – just four? I thought this was a huge show – and they weren’t wearing earplugs. So I thought I was probably going to be okay.

I don’t remember much anymore, although it was less than 2 hours ago. I remember I was impressed, but that’s about it. Also, I remember the storyline I made up to their sounds. Yes, storyline. I can’t help it.

Yesterday I had a lecture about sounds for FILM101, and that was probably timely. We associate sound with image. And sound is perhaps more powerful than image. A silent image doesn’t speak half as well to us (well, perhaps a characteristic of a great image is that we can "hear" it even though it's silent), but sound, devoid of image, empowers us to create the image, the story, in any way that we want it to be. Thus it was that tonight, I was in London listening to the chime of the Big Ben, flown away to China to witness a princess’s wedding, and was dragged down into a sewer. I was in the middle of a Maori battle, went through a soul-baring judgment (this was really scary. Like, it’s Judgment Day, and you’re facing God, and the frenzied percussion is echoing somewhere as you’re being judged.) and my absolute favourite from the performance, the sci-fi.

The sci-fi. I don’t know what the instrument they used is called, but they make this sound that you’d probably call either “question”, “puzzle” or “enigma”. And they kept playing that I entered a wonderworld. First it was just a space, devoid of everything. Then it became a white box, or room if you’re more generous. Then the music kept on, evolving slowly, that soon you were in a lost world filled with friendly dinosaurs and other prehistoric creatures. Your protagonist is a scientist, and she roams around in a lab coat asking how? how? how? And then another Strike member joined in the score and played a similar instrument (but I doubt they were the same). And what did we get? A second protagonist. A second scientist. A male one this time, but he joined her and roamed the land with her and asked how? how? how? And then of course romance bloomed, after which revelation hit him while it avoided her. They were estranged for some time, she loathing the fact that she was still ignorant, until she finally found the answer (or stopped asking) and they were reunited.

And then it was over. One and half hour, and I didn’t even notice it. I just sat there and waited for everyone else to file out. I was thinking how pleased I was with the front-row seat that I would choose it again when an elderly man passed in front of me. He looked so sweet with earplugs visibly sticking out of his ears that I smiled at him. He beamed back, "I don't know how you've made it -" and he nodded at my seat "- I would've been blown away!"

Well, in fact I was blown away. Just maybe not in the way he imagined.

The Forgettable People

2008-07-21T01:24:00.001+12:00

Have you ever felt like there is no point in your life? No, I don’t mean there’s no point in the “let’s-commit-suicide” way; I mean it in the way how (my) life is so small and insignificant and that I make no difference.

I don’t know. I’m not exactly feeling despair; I really don’t know what I’m feeling. But one thing’s for certain: Right now, I miss Antony and Cleopatra. I was just thinking how significant their lives were that centuries after their deaths, people still know their story, what happened, what they did. And not only that – people are actually curious. A few hundred years from now, would the name Syafiqah Johan even mean a tiny speck of dust to anybody at all? I rather doubt it.

I wanna be remembered. I wanna leave something behind in this world. I wanna leave my mark. I wanna be studied about. I wanna be the queen of a nation, the mistress of an empire, the epitome of legends and myths. I wanna be like Arthur – nobody knows if he was real or not, but people certainly know him. There are departments are some universities dedicated to studying him. He has single-handedly and successfully caused historians like Myers to tear out their hair in frustration and exasperation.

And yet, history can be misleading. Who knows what really happened between Caesar, Antony and Cleopatra? Who did she really love – the triumvir or the general? Maybe she truly was in love with both. Maybe she despised both, but pretended she was in love with them because Egypt needed her to. And Arthur. I doubt he didn’t know about Lancelot and Guinevere. And since he had held his tongue for so long, why oh why did he do what he did in the end? Maybe he didn’t, maybe he kept mum, but somebody decided that’s not a very fun thing to remember so let’s reinvent history where Arthur brought down Camelot by acknowledging his wife’s adultery.

What I’m trying to get at is that maybe none of those things happened at all. Maybe Cleopatra was a kitchen maid, and Arthur a stable boy who never even married. Maybe. Who’s to dispel these claims? Especially in Arthur’s case since no one’s even successfully proven that he even existed.

But the even bigger issue is, regardless whether or not they existed, is that they are remembered. Cleopatra was a queen, Arthur a king. They are remembered. But who remembers those small people that at one time prepared Cleopatra’s milk bath, and shone Arthur’s chain mail? The small people who, regardless of their smallness and insignificance, were part of Cleopatra’s and Arthur’s lives, who made them into the larger-than-life figures that we remember. Who remembers them? And that kind of people is precisely the group I belong to – the small people. The insignificant people. The forgettable people.

Funny, isn’t it that we remember the possible fictional Arthur but totally forget Cleopatra’s possibly real servants? Will anyone possibly remember me?

The Teacher who Snapped in Explaining a Cat

2008-07-17T23:44:00.005+12:00

She'd asked me what's a cat already. Twice. And both times I explained to her very patiently, like a good teacher. And both times, she ended the conversation by saying, "But what is it?" I told her - it's nothing too complicated. Don't worry 'bout it too much.

Then we were just sitting there, me and her and a few other people. I can't remember what we were talking about, but the subject range was as diverse as the sea. Then, out of the blue, she said, "Wait. What is a cat?" And I just snapped at her. "I told you already - twice. Cat is just another name for kucing." I was probably half-shouting out of frustration.

Of course the other people were surprised. "Jo, you gotta be patient. How are you gonna be a teacher?"

* * *

Of course there is a truth in their words - I am rather impatient. But I think what is most important is not that I am impatient, it's why I'm impatient. I honestly do not think I would've snapped at her if I sensed that she really didn't understand things. It's just that, when I explained things to her, I didn't sense her inability to understand. In fact, I think I sensed her refusal.

Actually, when she first asked me what a cat was, she probably really had no idea what it was. But, the thing is, you see, we had to draw a cat. And if she didn't know what a cat was, she couldn't be blamed for not drawing a cat. Thus, when she asked me for the third time what a cat was, I arrived at the conclusion that she refused to use her brain, even for a little, to try and make sense of what a cat was.

And you know what is worse? I think she believed that if she didn't know what a cat was, it automatically permitted her to not draw the cat. And I think deep down she knew what a cat was - she just refused to believe that she knew what it was because otherwise she would have to do the job.

Yes, You're the Only One Who's Frustrated

2008-07-16T23:36:00.003+12:00

At first I mistook it for laughter. I wondered where it was coming from, and why I was excluded from this gaiety. And then I realised what it really was; the long, bemoaning sobs of utter frustration. It was coming from the toilet, and boy, was I glad I was not the one in the toilet.

* * *

It’s the second week of the second trimester. After all the heartbreak and literally breaking down in front of the programme director, I was finally allowed to take FILM101. And my friends are allowed to take MDIA102 or WRIT101, depending on their choice. We were happy. Happier perhaps because we were allowed to drop CUST131. Nobody ever even considered dropping LALS101.

It’s the second week of the second trimester, and boy, were we happy. Yet, LALS101 Assignment 1 deadline was fast approaching. In fact, it’s next week. What – week 3 and already an assignment due?

I didn’t worry too much about it initially. It’s supposed to be a very short assignment, less than 1000 words. Then we went to the tutorial this morning and discovered that for our first assignment we were to construct a bibliography. Wait. A bibliography? A bibliography? Run that by me again – a bibliography?

Oh, but there are terms, of course. We must have a bibliography of 5 readings, at least one from each of these: a book; a journal; a paper in an edited collection; and a signed article in an encyclopedia. A bibliography on what? On either one of these topics: the Slavic/Slavonic language family; Sino-Tibetan; or Finno-Ugric. What?

I just find it so amusing. They hardly talked about this in the lecture. It’s mostly about English in the lecture. (Well, actually I couldn’t blame them – if they had gone on and on in the lecture on, say, Hebrew, then perhaps I wouldn’t be too happy either.) But, anyway, the point is that, since all you wanted to do was to help us prepare writing excellent referencing for our upcoming assignments, why make us write about these foreign languages? Why not English? Isn’t English good enough?

And, actually, what I am madder about is the fact that the library has very limited material on those languages that we were supposed to be doing our assignment on. And, to make things absolutely more “interesting”, some people who’d had their tutorials on Monday and Tuesday had gone and borrowed the library clean of the relevant materials. And these aren’t 3-day loan books – which means the due date is well after the assignment’s due date. And even if you requested the books, they are to return it within 5 days – the due date is still earlier than that. And to just really rub salt to the wound, the library just has tons of resources for English.

For 20% of the overall course mark, I have no idea how to start this assignment.

* * *

And then of course I had dance practice in the evening. In preparation for ASEAN Night in August – I’m in the Mangunatip and Indian dances of the Bahtere Budaya troupe – we have our practice every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I didn’t dance or do anything physical at all during the mid-year break (in fact, I borrowed romances from the library and lay cocooned in my duvet reading them all day long), and my thighs were hurting from yesterday night’s practice.

Of course I mumbled rubbish as I climbed the never-ending staircase and hills up to the campus where we were to have our practice, but I wasn’t really complaining – because I really like dancing (whether or not I’m good at it is another matter altogether). I just like making lots of noise, as my closest friends can annoyed-ly testify to. And then, just like yesterday night, none of the boys showed up, and our choreographer got so fed up that she ran into the toilet, sent a text that said today’s practice was cancelled (although we had a go already) and probably cried her eyeballs out.

Well, the point that I’m trying to make is that, well, I’m probably just as frustrated as you. To be honest, I’m very not fond of climbing those stairs and hills to get here, but I did it. And since we’re here already, why don’t we just continue practicing and worry about the absentees later? Don’t just disregard me like this. You’re not the only one with frustration on your hands. I’m frustrated, too, that they’ve stood us up again like this. What if I’m so frustrated with your emotional decision today that I decided not to show up tomorrow?

First Impression

2008-07-04T00:18:00.000+12:00